1
00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:03,625
♪ Summertime blows me away ♪

2
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:07,107
♪ And summertime I can't stay ♪

3
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,717
♪ It's not sensible ♪

4
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:10,502
♪ But I'm desperate ♪

5
00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:13,251
♪ I'm a part of it... ♪

6
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,160
♪ What a find ♪

7
00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,770
♪ I can't stay ♪

8
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,206
♪ It's inevitable ♪

9
00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:21,121
♪ Though I can't let go ♪

10
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:23,914
♪ I will never know ♪

11
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,474
♪ Oh, baby ♪

12
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:30,261
♪ Why does all this
get the best of me? ♪

13
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:34,004
♪ September comes
and I am too hot to say ♪

14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:38,668
♪ My heart keeps burning
for you... ♪

15
00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:43,368
This is more retarded
than when I got that
gumball stuck up my nose.

16
00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:48,460
Or the time I wanted to be
the first white
Harlem Globetrotters.

17
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,457
And this has got to be more
embarrassing than the time

18
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,459
my mom walked in on me

19
00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,678
while I was trying
to simulate vaginal friction

20
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:59,420
by rubbing my boner
between the mattress
and box springs.

21
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,422
Why don't you go out and play.

22
00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:03,163
It's such a beautiful day.

23
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:06,384
No. This tops it.

24
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:09,003
And it's all because of Erica.

25
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,088
Erica.

26
00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:17,011
It sounds so much like

27
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,100
erotica.

28
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,355
And it's fitting.

29
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,800
She's a walking wet dream.

30
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,103
The kind of girl
whose mere glance at you

31
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:33,237
could get your pecker
to stand up and say, "Howdy"

32
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,848
and not your normal,
run-of-the-mill erection.

33
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:39,294
We're talking the kind
that could be picked up
on radar.

34
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:42,036
The kind you could
hang a flag from.

35
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:51,436
Mm... and her breasts...

36
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,474
They must have tractor
beams in them.

37
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,694
They pull my hands toward them

38
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:59,140
like the death star
dragging in the millennium
falcon.

39
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:04,449
Oh!

40
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,759
Come on, guys! Whoo!

41
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:26,994
If I had breasts like that
I could have ruled the world.

42
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,651
You are in love with her, no?

43
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,697
No, I'm not.

44
00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,700
Then why are you
sitting so funny?

45
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:40,442
I don't know.

46
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,401
Don't be shamed.

47
00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:48,225
A man is two people,
himself and his penis.

48
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,923
A man always takes
his friend to the party

49
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:53,665
but of the two,
the friend is nicer

50
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:57,285
because he is more able
to show his feelings.

51
00:02:58,613 --> 00:03:00,062
Does this, uh,

52
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,899
Erica know what
you think about her?

53
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,938
She's got a boyfriend.

54
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:08,383
Oh. They are not lovers?

55
00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:12,074
-I don't think so.
-That is good.

56
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,947
One pubic hair
between a man and a woman

57
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:17,914
can be stronger
than the Atlantic cable.

58
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,647
You're telling me.

59
00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:21,780
What is your problem
with the bella?

60
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,912
She goes off to college
on the east coast

61
00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:26,132
-in three months.
-Ahh!

62
00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:29,396
Then you must declare
your love to her immediately.

63
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:30,484
-Are you crazy?
-You must.

64
00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:31,920
It is the only way.

65
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,313
Oh, no, no, no.

66
00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,671
She'll think I'm a spaz.

67
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:39,806
Then you prefer to sit funny
the rest of your life?

68
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,974
Now, listen, ragazzo,

69
00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,984
I will you tell you a story.

70
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:47,153
It is about your great,
great grandfather

71
00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,721
Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.

72
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,332
When he was a boy your age,

73
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:55,553
he was in love
with the most beautiful girl

74
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,998
in the village of Cascata.

75
00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:00,435
But thebella,

76
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,387
she did not see anything
in Giuseppe.

77
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,824
So, one day, Giuseppe,

78
00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,608
an enterprising young boy,

79
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:10,097
declared his love to her.

80
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:11,533
He said...

81
00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:15,312
"I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
love you

82
00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:18,532
and to prove that
I will always be there for you

83
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:24,277
I will stand under your balcony
day and night without relent

84
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:27,636
until you fall in love with me."

85
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:36,158
So, Giuseppe stood
outside that balcony

86
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,204
day and night,

87
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,380
night and day...

88
00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,730
...until, finally,

89
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,168
his love came out to the balcony
and cried...

90
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:51,051
"Giuseppe Luigi Bendini,
I love you."

91
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:55,664
So, Giuseppe climbed up to
the balcony and into her bed.

92
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:58,572
They made love so passionately

93
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:01,061
that the ground shook...

94
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,752
...and villagers today
still believe

95
00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:08,590
that's what caused
the 1874 earthquake.

96
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,682
I can't do that.

97
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,684
You can, my friend.

98
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:19,035
Women are like breaking
into a bank,

99
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,638
it takes nerve,

100
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,517
it takes daring,

101
00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:27,565
sometimes, you need a little bit
of dynamite to blow the vault.

102
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,432
I don't know what it was.

103
00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:35,261
Maybe all the benzoyl
peroxide in my zit cream

104
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,132
had affected my brain.

105
00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,787
Or maybe I had a strange fetish
for humiliation

106
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,666
at the hands of a woman.

107
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,530
I could only figure
this somehow stemmed

108
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,577
from watching too many
episodes of Julie Newmar

109
00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:49,580
as the catwoman
in all thosebatman re-runs.

110
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:52,104
But it seemed
like an audacious idea.

111
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:54,244
I decided to try it.

112
00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:57,239
Peter, that is so sweet.

113
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,546
I was beginning to think
this just might work

114
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:01,026
when she said the most dreaded

115
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,202
two words
in the English language.

116
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,160
But Peter, we're just friends.

117
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,467
"Just friends."

118
00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,870
The words hit me like screaming
lead shot from a. 38.

119
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,393
I want to be...

120
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:15,483
...just friends.

121
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:16,694
Oh!

122
00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:17,738
Oh!

123
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:20,096
Ooh!

124
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,006
It's just a flesh wound,
my friend.

125
00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,573
It will not kill you.

126
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:29,192
Get back up and fight.

127
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:35,626
I'm not going to give up
so easily.

128
00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,541
But Peter...

129
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:41,726
I was rudely interrupted
by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.

130
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:50,779
He's what I call
a gaping asshole.

131
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:55,863
You know, the type of guy
that's going to college

132
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:58,039
on a football scholarship.

133
00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:01,391
But what bothers me most is,
he's one of those macho dicks

134
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:05,177
who's always grabbing his crotch
and adjusting his balls.

135
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,571
I mean, what's the deal?

136
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:10,443
He acts like he's a guard
at the Tower of London.

137
00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:12,053
He's got to check
every ten seconds

138
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:15,543
to see if the crown jewels
are still there.

139
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:24,291
And how come every asshole
I know has to make that noise?

140
00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:30,594
You can hear a symphony
of those in
any boys' locker room.

141
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,683
Is it like a lion roaring?

142
00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:34,728
The asshole who can hawk
a loogie the loudest

143
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,339
is the leader of the herd?

144
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:40,785
Needless to say,
Nick has been my nemesis
since I was five.

145
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,393
I forbid you to go out
dressed like that.

146
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,569
-Dad.
-No self-respecting
Christian girl

147
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:51,492
would be seen in public in a...

148
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,799
- Get in the house.
Just get in the house.

149
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:00,145
Erica...

150
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,372
Erica! Erica!

151
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:08,066
Erica looked more doable
than Barbara Feldon
inGet Smart.

152
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,502
Erica! Erica! Get your...

153
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:10,938
She kissed Nick so hard

154
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:11,939
I'm sure they could have
swallowed

155
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,375
each other's uvulas.

156
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,168
Erica, if you...

157
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,252
What the hell is his story?

158
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,733
She then proceeded to tell Nick

159
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,829
what I was up to.

160
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:39,140
And if things
weren't hard enough

161
00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:41,621
I encountered
more unexpected problems.

162
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,971
Our prayers have been answered.

163
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,104
I've been asking God
to send someone

164
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:48,802
to take her away from that
heathen boyfriend, Nick.

165
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,848
-You're a miracle.
-Yes.

166
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,763
Erica's dad could never
have a conversation

167
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,982
without quoting
some guy named Zig Ziglar,

168
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,115
a Christian
motivational speaker.

169
00:08:57,145 --> 00:09:00,205
Frankly, I'd never be caught
dead quoting someone named Zig.

170
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:03,774
The difference between you
and that barbarian Nick

171
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:05,732
is that you--
Remember what he said,

172
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:11,042
-have a swelled heart,
not a swelled head.
-Ah.

173
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:13,435
I wanted to tell him that
his daughter gave me both,

174
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,046
but I didn't.

175
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,222
Peter, I thought
you might be hungry

176
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,877
so I brought you some cookies
I made for the church bake sale.

177
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:22,662
I wasn't all that surprised
by the cookies.

178
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:26,100
This is the same woman
who encourages
her youngest daughter, Mary,

179
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,059
to play with nun dolls.

180
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,713
Now say 50 more.

181
00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,671
Hail, Mary, hail, Mary,
hail, Mary, hail, Mary

182
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,674
hail, Mary,
hail, Mary, hail, Mary...

183
00:09:34,704 --> 00:09:36,284
- Thanks.
- Yeah.

184
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:37,459
Now, let's face it.

185
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:38,722
It's a proven fact

186
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,375
that girls do not fall in love

187
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,769
with any boy
her parents actually like.

188
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,554
I vowed at that very moment

189
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,260
that I would find a way to make
her parents hate me.

190
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,610
I set Giuseppe to work on it.

191
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,605
...Mary, hail, Mary, hail...

192
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,564
Go ahead, Peter, try it.

193
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,522
Mary hail, Mary, hail, Mary

194
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:59,220
and hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary

195
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:01,179
hail, Mary, hail, me-Mary

196
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:04,095
hail, ma-- Mary, hail, Mary...

197
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,575
Huh?

198
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,619
Hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary...

199
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:08,099
Mm...

200
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,753
...Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Ma--

201
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:12,111
hail-- ugh...

202
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,715
My dad's reaction to my plan

203
00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,499
when he heard about it from mom

204
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,371
registered on the
Richter Scale at Caltech.

205
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,329
Peter... Peter!

206
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,983
Stop acting like
you don't hear me.

207
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,601
Peter...

208
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,650
Hell's bells. You get inside
right this instant.

209
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,470
I'm not leaving this spot.

210
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,819
Yes, you are.

211
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:33,820
No, I'm not.

212
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:34,778
Yes, you are.

213
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:35,953
You stop listening

214
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,345
to your grandfather's nonsense.

215
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,608
He's not all there.
Now, come on.

216
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,392
Let go. I'm not hurting anyone.

217
00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,437
You are acting like a fool.

218
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,178
-Now, come on.
-No!

219
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,397
-Give it up, son.
-Mom!

220
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:46,659
Listen to your father,

221
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,747
-Peter!
-This is ridiculous.

222
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:49,575
What will the neighbors think?

223
00:10:49,605 --> 00:10:50,881
Some of them are my patients.

224
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:51,969
They might stop coming to me

225
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,448
if they think my son's a pervert

226
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,276
who stands
under young girls' windows.

227
00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:58,236
-You're just--
Our entire family...
-Dad!

228
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,246
Now, let's go, Peter.
- I'm sorry.

229
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,632
Oh, oh!

230
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,033
My new guinea impatiens!

231
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,506
-I'm sorry.
-What are you doing?

232
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:08,289
- I'm sorry.
- Good old Nonno.

233
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,290
I'm sorry.

234
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,117
Whenever a situation

235
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:11,118
calls for it

236
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,293
my grandfather pulls

237
00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:14,216
his infirm-old-man routine.

238
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:17,176
He's saved my life
hundreds of times.

239
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,874
I'm sorry.

240
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,747
The same couldn't be said
for my best friend, Matt.

241
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:26,003
-This is my last chance.
-Look, you know,

242
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,440
I just don't want to see you
setting yourself up
like this, man.

243
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:31,138
I've been in love with Erica
since we were kids.

244
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,358
We used to play
cowboys and Indians together.

245
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,925
When we were little

246
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,840
we used to do everything
together.

247
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:40,590
When you get mad at someone,
you go like this.

248
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,410
It was great.

249
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,378
It'll never work, uh-uh.

250
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:48,381
-Why not?
-'Cause we're losers.

251
00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:51,550
Look, we've been picked
by genetic selection

252
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,161
to be the world's
biggest living proof

253
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:55,467
that this world is fucked.

254
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,911
How's that?

255
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:59,392
We lost the DNA lottery.

256
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,603
We didn't get the asshole gene.

257
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,693
See, we're the nice guys.

258
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,433
We're never going to succeed.

259
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:08,531
Only the assholes get
the girls and the dough, bro.

260
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,482
You've got it all figured out?

261
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:12,187
Damned straight I do.

262
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,399
My parents think I'm going
to college in the fall.

263
00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:17,402
I'm not going to college
so I can be one of those jerks
with a degree

264
00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:19,404
who ends up assistant managing
a burger king.

265
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,754
"Would you like fries
with that, please?" No way.

266
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:23,060
So, you're just
going to give up?

267
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,591
Yep.

268
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,237
Oh, and I suppose
you want me to give up, too.

269
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:31,503
Exactly. You got to become
comfortably numb.

270
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,688
You can't let anyone
or anything disappoint you.

271
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,646
You got to be self-sufficient.

272
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:37,944
I mean, look at me.

273
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:41,129
Do I need a girl like Erica? No.

274
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,994
Hey, as long as you're going
to be here all summer

275
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,691
mind if I use
your mailing address?

276
00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:48,085
-What for?
-I sent away for something

277
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,435
and I don't want my mom
to accidentally open it.

278
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:51,741
So I figured
you'll be out here, you know,

279
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,872
you can intercept it for me

280
00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:54,273
before anyone else will get it.

281
00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:56,362
-Okay, I guess.
-Yes.

282
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:59,060
Hey, look, admit it.

283
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,272
Sometimes, you wish
you had a girlfriend.

284
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:02,708
No way.

285
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,797
Blockbuster, domino's pizza

286
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:06,799
rosy palm and her five friends

287
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:10,114
are all I need
for a great Saturday night.

288
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,499
Maybe if you're 14.

289
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,850
Okay. You do have a point.

290
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:18,122
Sometimes I do need
to spice up my love life
a little bit.

291
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,605
I'd like you to meet my date
for the evening, Peter.

292
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,472
You know, I read
in Barely Legalmagazine

293
00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:30,823
about this guy
who got off humping fruit.

294
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:32,477
You're a sick puppy.

295
00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:36,402
Ah, the sun is going to make it
nice and warm,

296
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,795
just like the real thing.

297
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,580
Well, what about the seeds?

298
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,104
Well, come on, I'm not
going to go down on it.

299
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,889
I amuse myself by watching
the neighborhood.

300
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:55,029
Life is my tv,

301
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,771
and it was a little more
interesting than network
television.

302
00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,765
There was Mr. Mays.

303
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,768
My parents think he works
for the CIA or the FBI.

304
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,901
It's because every time
he comes home

305
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,207
he drives his car around
the block again and again

306
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,383
- to make sure
he's not being followed.

307
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:12,438
There's a kid on the street
that's a pyromaniac.

308
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:22,883
Matt made sure
his parents had left him
alone in the house.

309
00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,798
Bye, guys!

310
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,575
He then went
to the upstairs bathroom

311
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:30,369
to makeamore
with his watermelon.

312
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,146
And the guy across the street,

313
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:34,713
I forget his name,

314
00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,715
but he seems so sad.

315
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,456
His wife has cancer.

316
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,066
He dutifully takes her out

317
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,511
for a breath of fresh air
every day.

318
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,775
It's a good thing
Erica isn't around.

319
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,945
I got a woody watching
Ms. Lewis work out
toBuns of Steel.

320
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:51,034
And pull and pull and pull...

321
00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:53,609
Mr. Mays put in a second lap.

322
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:02,183
The crazy lady next door
eats her dinner in the car.

323
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:06,579
- I was dismayed to see
history repeating itself.

324
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:10,880
Maybe Matt is right.
Some people are born
with the asshole gene

325
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,889
and some of us aren't.

326
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:19,845
There was nothing much happening
to keep me amused at night.

327
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:23,509
At about ten,
I saw Matt go out
to the upstairs balcony.

328
00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:25,851
If he had been in there
all that time

329
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:29,297
that watermelon now had more
holes in it than a wiffle ball.

330
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,901
Only the crazy lady was out.

331
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,171
She was cutting her grass.

332
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:41,649
Looked like there was something
good on TV over at my house

333
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,877
and I wanted to watch it

334
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:47,358
but something got in the way.

335
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:50,753
So, I watered the plants
instead.

336
00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:56,012
I figured
I should take advantage

337
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:58,014
of all the time
I had on my hands.

338
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:00,451
I vowed that if I were
to become Erica's boyfriend

339
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:04,288
I had to become the greatest
lover she had ever known.

340
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:09,293
In pursuit of that goal
I decided I would become
an expert in love.

341
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,688
I started by reading
The Joy of Sexuality.

342
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:16,641
It wasn't the descriptions
of the wildly uninhibited
Chinese-style sex positions

343
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:19,470
like the "wailing monkey
clasping a tree"

344
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,994
or "wild geese flying
on their backs"

345
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,909
that I found most enlightening.

346
00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:26,738
It was the guy they picked
to illustrate

347
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,958
all the exotic conjugations.

348
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,395
The guy was butt-ugly!

349
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,970
And the girl was a babe.

350
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:38,497
This was inspiring.
I mean, if this quest for fire
reject could get laid,

351
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,586
why couldn't I?

352
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:06,481
Oh, good. My parents
aren't home from church yet.

353
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,485
I'll meet you inside.

354
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,479
I'm going to have a little talk
with your friend Peter.

355
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:13,793
Okay.

356
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,334
So, you're still here, huh?

357
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,207
You know, I'd have thought
you'd gotten smart
and given up by now.

358
00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:42,125
Why do you guys
always make that noise?

359
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:43,119
What noise?

360
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,085
This noise.

361
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,134
I mean, you guys spit so much.

362
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,572
Makes you wonder
what you been sucking on.

363
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:56,836
Shut up!

364
00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:02,581
Oh, what, what a demonstrative
display of masculine aggression.

365
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,097
Did you know
that such behavior is a sign

366
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:09,065
of latent homosexuality?

367
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,636
I think it's time you left.

368
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,949
-I'm not leaving.
-You want to fight?

369
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,646
I'll give you a free shot.

370
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,511
Go for it, my friend.

371
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:29,730
How could I refuse
this invitation?

372
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,037
I was going to lose this fight

373
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,866
but at least I could get
one killer shot in

374
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:37,093
so I charged the prince
of darkness

375
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,139
then I realized my mistake.

376
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:40,741
It was a trick!

377
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:43,230
It felt like my nuts
had exploded

378
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:46,712
and it sounded like a pair
of water balloons dropped
off a building.

379
00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:57,505
Mm, that'll teach ya, huh?

380
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:11,519
I took it as a good
sign that Erica was curious
to see if I was still there.

381
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,132
It was important
that Erica never see me

382
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,569
flag in my devotion
by leaving my post

383
00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:27,266
but on the other hand

384
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,138
I didn't want to smell
like my uncle Lou

385
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,228
when Erica buckled
under my romantic vigilance.

386
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:35,492
So, I figured while she was
getting ready for the day

387
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,276
I'd pop inside
for a quick shower

388
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,017
and some cheerios.

389
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,584
What are you doing?

390
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,506
Changing the locks.

391
00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:45,161
When you finally give up
this nonsense,

392
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:47,686
I'll let you back inside.

393
00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:50,471
Dad, give me a break.

394
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,081
Forget it.

395
00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:01,300
- Mom.
- Hmm.

396
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:02,562
This was desperate.

397
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:03,563
No food.

398
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:04,695
No water.

399
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:05,739
Nice.

400
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,045
And I really needed

401
00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:09,272
to do some low-altitude bombing.

402
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:24,157
I had no choice but to impose
on my best friend, Matt.

403
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,239
Hey, Matt, open up!

404
00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:28,501
I'm showering, man!

405
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,598
The side door's open!

406
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:43,908
Hey! Whoa!

407
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,918
What about a little privacy?

408
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,739
Oh, oh, man, light a match.

409
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:51,350
- Sorry.
Hey, where's your toothpaste?
- Get out of here.

410
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,577
People are going to think
we're queer or something.

411
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:31,354
What the hell are you doing?

412
00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:35,960
I started reading
The Joy of Sexuality.

413
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:38,231
I checked out the part
about cunnilingus.

414
00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,269
I wanted to make sure
I was in shape.

415
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,314
Mm, cunnilingus.

416
00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:44,672
Yo, you been checking
out for my mail?

417
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:46,318
Nothing came yet.

418
00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:47,980
Brought you some food.

419
00:21:49,264 --> 00:21:51,635
-No, thanks.
-Come on. It's good.

420
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:01,820
Sorry about the noise, Peter,
but I'm putting locks
in all the windows.

421
00:22:01,972 --> 00:22:05,084
I don't want Erica
pulling another stunt
like she did yesterday.

422
00:22:08,979 --> 00:22:10,611
Man.

423
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,483
I wish you'd give this up, man.

424
00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:18,706
Listen, I'm not so sure
I believe your theory
about the asshole gene.

425
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,831
Oh, come on.

426
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,441
Look, I mean,
it's everywhere you look.

427
00:22:22,471 --> 00:22:24,930
-Hey, you want a taste?
-Yeah!

428
00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:27,846
That's an isolated case.

429
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:31,371
All right. What if I told you

430
00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:34,975
that even our founding
fathers were assholes?

431
00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,637
What are you talking about?

432
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:39,335
Mm, take the Boston Tea Party
for instance,

433
00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:40,546
all right?

434
00:22:40,576 --> 00:22:42,635
Even with taxation

435
00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:45,334
the British tea cost less
than the colonial tea

436
00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,772
produced by those guys
like John Hancock and Sam Adams.

437
00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:50,991
No, don't do it!

438
00:22:51,021 --> 00:22:52,696
Mom!

439
00:22:56,940 --> 00:23:00,044
See, the Boston Tea Party
wasn't a political act.

440
00:23:00,074 --> 00:23:02,307
It was an industrial espionage.

441
00:23:02,337 --> 00:23:05,223
It was a scam
by John Hancock and Sam Adams

442
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:07,842
to put the British
out of business.

443
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:12,455
See, even our founding fathers
were a bunch of assholes.

444
00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:14,580
You've got a point, uh,

445
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:16,060
but I've been
thinking about this

446
00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:18,984
and I got a couple
of theories of my own.

447
00:23:19,223 --> 00:23:21,108
Shoot.

448
00:23:21,138 --> 00:23:24,938
Well, I think you can tell a lot
about a woman's personality

449
00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:26,723
from the shape of her breasts.

450
00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:28,594
What are you getting
into right now?

451
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:30,204
-Take Mrs. Olsen,
for instance...
-What have you done?

452
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:32,076
Where did you get this?
Is that a firecracker?

453
00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:34,086
Her boobs look
like the turret on a tank.

454
00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,950
Her mammaries look like
they could shoot a mortar charge

455
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:38,829
and blow you to smithereens.

456
00:23:38,895 --> 00:23:41,433
You can see she has the same
ironfisted personality

457
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:43,000
- that matches her hooters.
- ...trouble

458
00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:45,271
you have ever been in
in of your life!

459
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:46,917
All right, you got a point.

460
00:23:46,947 --> 00:23:48,832
Go on.

461
00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:51,400
- Now, take the crazy lady
next door.

462
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:53,235
Don't give me the willies.

463
00:23:53,344 --> 00:23:56,325
No, look, she's got mashed
potato breasts.

464
00:23:56,391 --> 00:23:57,841
Dude, they're so weird.

465
00:23:57,871 --> 00:24:00,060
Yeah, right. She's weird, too.

466
00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:04,072
All right. But you know you're
just giving me easy examples.

467
00:24:04,225 --> 00:24:07,641
- All right.
- Ms. Lewis.

468
00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:11,036
Her bosoms are like melons
that have been in the
store a little too long.

469
00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:12,769
You may be taking
a chance buying them

470
00:24:12,799 --> 00:24:14,335
after the expiration date

471
00:24:14,365 --> 00:24:17,346
but if you're lucky,
they might still be good.

472
00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,566
She's the same way.

473
00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:23,048
She's a little older,
but I bet she's a good woman.

474
00:24:25,725 --> 00:24:31,795
Okay, now, what can you deduce
from Erica's breasts?

475
00:24:34,255 --> 00:24:37,279
I've done a lot of
thinking about this.

476
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,013
As you can see,
her breasts are extremely firm,

477
00:24:40,043 --> 00:24:42,189
so taut you expect the nipples

478
00:24:42,219 --> 00:24:45,548
to blow off like a cork
out of a champagne bottle.

479
00:24:46,093 --> 00:24:52,593
I see this as a reflection
of Erica's effervescent, wild,
life-is-a-party personality.

480
00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:56,203
It's also self-evident
that her breasts are
on the small side.

481
00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:59,468
I suspect it's going to take
centuries for them to droop

482
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:03,523
meaning that she'll always
be young at heart.

483
00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:05,865
But here's something
that you may miss

484
00:25:05,895 --> 00:25:08,049
upon a cursory glance.

485
00:25:08,463 --> 00:25:13,394
Some women's nipples can become
hard like pink pencil erasers.

486
00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:16,231
So hard that you could dial
the phone with them, you know?

487
00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:20,619
These women, I suspect
are often more concerned
with the particulars in life

488
00:25:20,649 --> 00:25:23,709
like avoiding laying
in the wet spot.

489
00:25:23,739 --> 00:25:25,371
But with Erica,

490
00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:32,850
notice how the nipple
merges almost effortlessly

491
00:25:33,270 --> 00:25:35,120
with the areola...

492
00:25:35,925 --> 00:25:39,385
...bringing a softness
to her nippular area.

493
00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:42,779
I think this suggests
a softness of heart.

494
00:25:43,411 --> 00:25:46,036
I mean, this is a girl
more concerned

495
00:25:46,066 --> 00:25:49,960
with passion than particulars.

496
00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:54,791
Am I right?

497
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:57,917
Matt?

498
00:25:57,947 --> 00:26:01,355
Um, Pete, I got to go.

499
00:26:01,385 --> 00:26:04,054
Uh, there's something
I got to do at home.

500
00:26:04,084 --> 00:26:06,064
See ya.

501
00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:17,640
I'm really hungry.

502
00:26:17,967 --> 00:26:20,331
Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.

503
00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:23,559
The only thing I'd eaten that
day was Matt's watermelon.

504
00:26:23,625 --> 00:26:26,032
- I hadn't eaten all of it
for obvious reasons...

505
00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:29,652
....so I was pretty hungry
by the time Nonno
snuck out of the house.

506
00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:42,012
Get down.

507
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:55,243
Nonno, what are
you doing out here?

508
00:27:02,098 --> 00:27:03,156
Goal!

509
00:27:03,186 --> 00:27:04,593
Goal!

510
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,159
Goal!

511
00:27:06,189 --> 00:27:08,597
-Goal!
-Okay. Okay.

512
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:09,815
-Goal!
-Okay, okay.

513
00:27:09,845 --> 00:27:11,208
Marge, your dad thinks

514
00:27:11,238 --> 00:27:13,218
he's in the world cup again.

515
00:27:21,596 --> 00:27:22,872
I'm not cool enough.

516
00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:25,012
She's never going
to fall for me.

517
00:27:25,165 --> 00:27:27,790
Standing out here
doesn't make any sense, Nonno.

518
00:27:27,820 --> 00:27:30,314
It makes all the sense
in the world.

519
00:27:30,344 --> 00:27:34,239
You are trying to make love
to a woman.

520
00:27:34,609 --> 00:27:37,800
You must know
deep in your heart of hearts

521
00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:40,810
that people are supposed
to make love.

522
00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:43,457
It is our main purpose in life.

523
00:27:43,487 --> 00:27:46,983
All those other activities,
uh, playing the violin

524
00:27:47,013 --> 00:27:51,248
washing dishes,
reading novels, drinking wine

525
00:27:51,278 --> 00:27:57,479
are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.

526
00:27:57,850 --> 00:28:00,526
Then my whole life
is passing time.

527
00:28:00,983 --> 00:28:02,476
This is never going to work.

528
00:28:02,506 --> 00:28:04,391
This bellaErica,

529
00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:06,350
she will fall for you.

530
00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:08,142
Impossible.

531
00:28:09,209 --> 00:28:10,963
Crazier things have happened.

532
00:28:10,993 --> 00:28:13,531
-Let me tell you another story.
-Oh, great.

533
00:28:13,561 --> 00:28:16,403
Look at all the trouble your
last one got me into, Nonno.

534
00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:19,545
It is about a young navy pilot.

535
00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:23,897
He could perform incredible
maneuvers in his plane.

536
00:28:26,008 --> 00:28:28,554
Then one day, he nearly crashed.

537
00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:33,211
The pilot went to the doctors
and declared his problem...

538
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:35,509
...hemorrhoids,

539
00:28:35,539 --> 00:28:39,122
a mass of dilated veins
in the rectum.

540
00:28:39,152 --> 00:28:41,044
The doctor had them removed.

541
00:28:41,110 --> 00:28:43,126
What's so romantic
about this story?

542
00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:45,868
The pilot met this nurse.

543
00:28:45,898 --> 00:28:48,174
Twice a day,
she would change his dressings

544
00:28:48,204 --> 00:28:52,142
and apply ointment
to his traumatized sphincter.

545
00:28:52,426 --> 00:28:54,267
The two got to talking.

546
00:28:54,297 --> 00:28:57,322
The nurse fell
for the young pilot.

547
00:28:57,561 --> 00:29:01,971
Now, if that isn't love
I don't know what is.

548
00:29:02,001 --> 00:29:04,677
After two weeks,
the couple got married.

549
00:29:05,047 --> 00:29:08,368
And if it wasn't
for a swelling anus

550
00:29:08,398 --> 00:29:11,379
the two would never have met.

551
00:29:11,837 --> 00:29:15,122
Now, I don't believe
anyof your stories.

552
00:29:32,031 --> 00:29:33,619
It's all true.

553
00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:36,361
Ask your mom and dad.

554
00:29:37,079 --> 00:29:40,321
-That was Mom and Dad?
-Yep.

555
00:29:53,879 --> 00:29:56,634
♪ They laugh at me aloud
they say I'm just a clown ♪

556
00:29:56,664 --> 00:29:58,418
♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪

557
00:29:58,448 --> 00:30:00,776
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

558
00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:02,683
♪ The girls look really cute ♪

559
00:30:02,713 --> 00:30:04,163
♪ They really make it work ♪

560
00:30:04,193 --> 00:30:05,817
♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪

561
00:30:05,847 --> 00:30:07,653
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

562
00:30:08,415 --> 00:30:09,908
♪ I never could sit still ♪

563
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:11,518
♪ I never was too hip ♪

564
00:30:11,548 --> 00:30:13,172
♪ I never caught the ride ♪

565
00:30:13,202 --> 00:30:14,913
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

566
00:30:14,943 --> 00:30:16,349
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

567
00:30:16,379 --> 00:30:18,743
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

568
00:30:18,773 --> 00:30:21,920
♪ This is where it all begins ♪

569
00:30:21,950 --> 00:30:24,749
♪ I'm on the outside
lookin' in ♪

570
00:30:24,779 --> 00:30:26,359
♪ Lookin' in ♪

571
00:30:26,389 --> 00:30:28,187
♪ At you ♪

572
00:30:28,217 --> 00:30:31,103
♪ I'm just an alien
through and through ♪

573
00:30:31,133 --> 00:30:34,237
♪ Tryin' to make believe
I'm you, oh ♪

574
00:30:34,267 --> 00:30:36,029
♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

575
00:30:36,573 --> 00:30:42,601
♪ Just a stranger on the outside
lookin' in ♪

576
00:30:44,407 --> 00:30:46,866
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

577
00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:50,173
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

578
00:30:55,505 --> 00:30:59,305
My massive manhood
must have been sapping
all the blood from my brain.

579
00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:01,786
That's the only way I could
explain my acceptance

580
00:31:01,816 --> 00:31:03,701
of this retarded,
quixotic quest.

581
00:31:03,731 --> 00:31:06,312
Hours passed into days.

582
00:31:06,342 --> 00:31:09,758
- Nick and I got to know
each other better.

583
00:31:12,435 --> 00:31:14,494
I had time on my hands.

584
00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,714
I read
the entireKinsey Reports

585
00:31:16,744 --> 00:31:19,108
and found out that
ten percent of all males

586
00:31:19,138 --> 00:31:20,892
attempt self-fellatio

587
00:31:20,922 --> 00:31:24,338
and that point 3%
actually succeed.

588
00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:29,299
I had plenty of opportunity
to watch the TV of life.

589
00:31:36,807 --> 00:31:40,267
All summer,
I never saw Erica wear
the same thing twice.

590
00:31:40,768 --> 00:31:42,653
♪ ...my tongue is hanging out ♪

591
00:31:42,683 --> 00:31:44,568
♪ For your love ♪

592
00:31:44,598 --> 00:31:46,700
♪ Don't leave me hanging out ♪

593
00:31:46,730 --> 00:31:48,659
♪ For your love ♪

594
00:31:48,689 --> 00:31:50,748
♪ I'm just hanging out ♪

595
00:31:50,778 --> 00:31:53,019
♪ For your love ♪

596
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,405
And for Erica's sister,

597
00:31:55,435 --> 00:31:57,015
Halloween came early.

598
00:31:57,045 --> 00:31:59,365
-Now say 20 hail Marys.
-Hail Mary, hail Mary...

599
00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:01,019
My dad couldn't figure out

600
00:32:01,049 --> 00:32:03,108
why his new guinea
impatiens wouldn't grow.

601
00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:04,718
Neither could I.

602
00:32:04,748 --> 00:32:07,425
I had been watering it
regularly.

603
00:32:08,187 --> 00:32:10,594
-♪ I've been... ♪
-And surprisingly enough,

604
00:32:10,624 --> 00:32:12,596
I earned some extra money
on the side.

605
00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:14,380
Since I know that you're
going to be here all the time

606
00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:16,817
I thought maybe you could
baby-sit Robert tonight.

607
00:32:16,847 --> 00:32:20,212
Hey lady, did you ever think
that tonight might be the night

608
00:32:20,242 --> 00:32:23,658
that Erica and I tried
the wailing monkey
clasping a tree act?

609
00:32:23,811 --> 00:32:26,958
Erica's father took a sculpting
class that summer.

610
00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:28,358
What is it?

611
00:32:28,468 --> 00:32:30,012
It's baby Jesus.

612
00:32:30,426 --> 00:32:32,007
I figured I'd get
a little head start

613
00:32:32,037 --> 00:32:34,531
on our nativity scene
for next Christmas.

614
00:32:34,561 --> 00:32:37,795
Little Jesus looked more
like an aborted fetus

615
00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:39,587
but I kept my mouth shut.

616
00:32:39,653 --> 00:32:41,103
- Give me my plane.
- No!

617
00:32:41,133 --> 00:32:42,843
Give me it.

618
00:32:42,873 --> 00:32:44,497
I took a liking to young Robert.

619
00:32:44,527 --> 00:32:46,202
My plane!

620
00:32:47,139 --> 00:32:49,292
I was his guardian angel.

621
00:32:50,446 --> 00:32:52,600
Sort of.

622
00:32:52,796 --> 00:32:56,379
Next time this guy bothers you
all you have to do
is stand up to him.

623
00:32:56,409 --> 00:32:58,954
All bullies are cowards.

624
00:32:59,368 --> 00:33:00,956
Trust me.

625
00:33:01,501 --> 00:33:04,090
Days soon passed into weeks.

626
00:33:04,156 --> 00:33:07,216
The guy across the street
stopped taking his wife out.

627
00:33:07,246 --> 00:33:10,183
Now he just walks
around the block alone.

628
00:33:10,466 --> 00:33:12,315
I hope she's all right.

629
00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:16,007
On Saturdays,
things got a little boring.

630
00:33:16,037 --> 00:33:20,925
"What is the sea of galilee
called in the old testament?"

631
00:33:20,955 --> 00:33:22,535
That's an easy one.

632
00:33:22,565 --> 00:33:24,407
-The Sea of Kinnereth.
-Oh...

633
00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:26,155
My turn.

634
00:33:27,527 --> 00:33:30,029
"Was there any money
on Noah's ark?"

635
00:33:30,269 --> 00:33:31,980
- No.
- Wrong.

636
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,765
The duck had a bill,
the skunk had a scent

637
00:33:34,795 --> 00:33:36,818
and the frog had a green back.

638
00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:40,553
Listening to Erica's parents

639
00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:41,815
play biblical pursuit

640
00:33:41,845 --> 00:33:43,730
only strengthened my resolve

641
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,559
to find a way to piss them off
and impress my beloved.

642
00:33:46,589 --> 00:33:48,561
I had Giuseppe working on it.

643
00:33:48,591 --> 00:33:50,433
Now pull, and pull.

644
00:33:50,463 --> 00:33:52,565
Some nights were better
than others.

645
00:33:52,595 --> 00:33:54,785
Let's get it. Last time.

646
00:33:54,815 --> 00:33:59,406
All right, ladies.
Great workout. Okay, great.

647
00:34:10,091 --> 00:34:14,508
But twice a month, I would hear
the most distressing sound
I could hear...

648
00:34:16,924 --> 00:34:20,732
The noise of my parents...
making love.

649
00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:23,691
What's up, Pete?

650
00:34:26,847 --> 00:34:29,559
Hey, anything come in the mail
for me yet?

651
00:34:29,589 --> 00:34:30,916
Nope.

652
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,564
-The guy across
the street has found...
-I have to do it.

653
00:34:34,594 --> 00:34:37,001
-...a lady friend.
-I'm warning you, don't do it.

654
00:34:37,031 --> 00:34:40,222
It wasn't until later that
I began to have suspicions

655
00:34:40,252 --> 00:34:42,528
as to what the woman
was imploring him

656
00:34:42,558 --> 00:34:44,226
not to do.

657
00:34:44,256 --> 00:34:46,619
"Captain nemo walked ahead of us

658
00:34:46,649 --> 00:34:49,535
and his herculean companion
strode a few steps behind us.

659
00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,842
Conseil and I walked
side by side

660
00:34:51,872 --> 00:34:54,149
as if a conversation
might still be possible

661
00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:56,245
through our metallic helmets."

662
00:35:02,970 --> 00:35:05,160
"Already, I no longer felt
the weight of my suit

663
00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:06,552
of my lead-soled boots

664
00:35:06,582 --> 00:35:08,163
of my air tanker, of my helmet."

665
00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:09,947
More than half the summer
had passed

666
00:35:09,977 --> 00:35:12,558
and everything still sucked
the big one.

667
00:35:12,588 --> 00:35:15,692
I was nowhere near
my beloved objective.

668
00:35:15,722 --> 00:35:18,260
Finally, in august,

669
00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:20,610
Erica spoke to me.

670
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,141
Peter?

671
00:35:30,432 --> 00:35:31,890
Erica.

672
00:35:32,652 --> 00:35:34,283
Hi.

673
00:35:34,871 --> 00:35:39,107
I was wondering if maybe
you could help me do something?

674
00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:40,456
Anything.

675
00:35:40,486 --> 00:35:42,719
Well, see my parents
have grounded me

676
00:35:42,749 --> 00:35:45,730
and I really want to go
see Nick tonight.

677
00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:48,950
So, I was hoping
you might help me get down.

678
00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:52,562
Okay.

679
00:35:52,628 --> 00:35:54,209
It was against my principles

680
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:55,514
to help Erica with Nick

681
00:35:55,544 --> 00:35:56,820
but this was at least a way

682
00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:58,169
to talk to her.

683
00:35:58,199 --> 00:35:59,961
And in that short skirt

684
00:36:00,245 --> 00:36:03,748
- I caught my first glimpse
of Xanadu.

685
00:36:04,988 --> 00:36:06,751
Oh...

686
00:36:07,817 --> 00:36:09,449
My God, are you all right?

687
00:36:10,603 --> 00:36:12,444
I'm... I'm fine.

688
00:36:12,474 --> 00:36:14,664
"Never better" was more like it.

689
00:36:14,694 --> 00:36:17,145
-And that's how Erica and I
began talking.
-I'm so sorry.

690
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,670
Every night, she would
sneak out to visit Nick
and I would help her.

691
00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:22,541
And every night
I would find a new way

692
00:36:22,571 --> 00:36:25,465
for Erica to fall on me.

693
00:36:29,274 --> 00:36:30,941
Pussy galore, she was like...

694
00:36:30,971 --> 00:36:32,072
And we talked.

695
00:36:32,102 --> 00:36:33,248
She was like this tough chick.

696
00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:34,858
And there is no doubt about it,

697
00:36:34,888 --> 00:36:38,078
Roger Moore is by far
the best James Bond.

698
00:36:38,108 --> 00:36:39,732
Roger Moore?

699
00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:41,604
Come on.

700
00:36:41,634 --> 00:36:44,084
Everybody knows Sean Connery
is the best James Bond.

701
00:36:44,114 --> 00:36:46,486
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

702
00:36:46,682 --> 00:36:48,698
Uh, Roger Moore
is the best James Bond.

703
00:36:48,728 --> 00:36:51,353
My God, what was I saying?

704
00:36:51,383 --> 00:36:54,530
Erica's beauty had more power
over me than I thought.

705
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:59,274
I mean, for me Sean Connery
is just way too hairy.

706
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:02,277
And it really bugs me the way...

707
00:37:02,307 --> 00:37:04,366
...he talks like this.

708
00:37:04,396 --> 00:37:07,289
Where's "M," miss Moneypenny?

709
00:37:07,616 --> 00:37:11,808
Thank God they never
replaced Desmond Llewelyn.
He is so great as "Q."

710
00:37:11,838 --> 00:37:15,855
Wow. Erica even knew that
Desmond Llewelyn played "Q."

711
00:37:15,885 --> 00:37:17,691
Now I know I'm in love.

712
00:37:18,018 --> 00:37:21,600
This may sound crazy,
but sometimes when I'm depressed

713
00:37:21,630 --> 00:37:23,994
that the world is
a really terrible place

714
00:37:24,024 --> 00:37:27,606
I find myself sympathizing
with the Bond villains.

715
00:37:27,636 --> 00:37:30,008
-What do you mean?
-Well,

716
00:37:30,073 --> 00:37:32,089
remember how Curt Jurgens
in The Spy Who Loved Me

717
00:37:32,119 --> 00:37:34,882
wanted to create a perfect
society under the sea

718
00:37:35,209 --> 00:37:38,574
and in MoonrakerHugo Drax
wanted to do the same in space?

719
00:37:38,604 --> 00:37:41,759
-Right.
-These guys
really weren't so bad.

720
00:37:41,868 --> 00:37:44,580
They were just tired of
the war, the politics, pollution

721
00:37:44,610 --> 00:37:47,373
and, and wanted
to change things.

722
00:37:47,482 --> 00:37:50,281
Then this handsome womanizer
who's afraid of commitment

723
00:37:50,311 --> 00:37:52,152
pulls up in his fancy sports car

724
00:37:52,182 --> 00:37:56,512
and messes things up
just to protect the status quo.

725
00:37:57,144 --> 00:38:02,431
I mean, sometimes I wish
the world could just
start over, you know?

726
00:38:03,237 --> 00:38:06,000
Wow. That's deep.

727
00:38:06,327 --> 00:38:09,387
...nah, I think the blue Mandamp;Ms.
They were a good choice.

728
00:38:09,417 --> 00:38:12,608
- No way.
-  -I talked to her more in those few weeks

729
00:38:12,638 --> 00:38:15,872
than I did the previous 14 years
I lived across the street
from her.

730
00:38:15,902 --> 00:38:18,309
So, if you were to be afflicted
with either of the following

731
00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:19,832
which would it be?

732
00:38:19,862 --> 00:38:22,930
Halitosis or incontinence?

733
00:38:24,084 --> 00:38:28,450
Halitosis. I figure I could
always stock up on breath mints.

734
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,156
Okay, I have one for you.

735
00:38:31,221 --> 00:38:37,162
Would rather lose your eyesight
or the use of both of your legs?

736
00:38:37,271 --> 00:38:39,896
-That's too hard.
-No, come on.
You have to answer.

737
00:38:39,926 --> 00:38:41,601
Those are the rules.

738
00:38:41,971 --> 00:38:45,213
Probably, I'd lose my eyesight.

739
00:38:45,714 --> 00:38:47,999
Your face is etched
into my memory.

740
00:38:48,413 --> 00:38:50,036
I'd always be able to see you

741
00:38:50,066 --> 00:38:53,047
and with my legs,

742
00:38:53,113 --> 00:38:55,180
I could still make love to you.

743
00:38:59,685 --> 00:39:01,708
Good night, Peter.

744
00:39:02,644 --> 00:39:04,406
Bye.

745
00:40:10,669 --> 00:40:11,996
Hey.

746
00:40:13,759 --> 00:40:15,260
What's up?

747
00:40:16,022 --> 00:40:18,176
All right, you promise
you're not going to laugh?

748
00:40:19,242 --> 00:40:20,700
Sure.

749
00:40:26,293 --> 00:40:27,743
Come on, man.
You said you wouldn't laugh.

750
00:40:27,773 --> 00:40:29,274
I'm sorry.

751
00:40:30,906 --> 00:40:32,886
-Can I feel?
-Get off.

752
00:40:33,996 --> 00:40:35,751
Look, I was trying to spice up
my love life, right,

753
00:40:35,781 --> 00:40:38,493
and my parents came home
a little bit early.

754
00:40:38,523 --> 00:40:39,842
They wanted to talk
to me about something

755
00:40:39,872 --> 00:40:41,191
and ended up searching
all over for me.

756
00:40:41,221 --> 00:40:42,671
So I figured
the best thing to do

757
00:40:42,701 --> 00:40:44,680
was just get out of the house.

758
00:40:45,617 --> 00:40:48,293
Here, unhook me.

759
00:40:48,924 --> 00:40:50,548
Wow, you know, I don't
know how girls do this

760
00:40:50,578 --> 00:40:52,732
because this thing
was a bitch to get on.

761
00:40:53,538 --> 00:40:54,864
Come on.

762
00:40:55,235 --> 00:40:56,866
Yeah, it's a bitch.

763
00:40:57,324 --> 00:41:00,340
Here, can you hang on to it
'til I can sneak it back it in?

764
00:41:00,370 --> 00:41:02,299
And stop smirking.

765
00:41:02,329 --> 00:41:04,744
I'm not the first guy
that's tried this.

766
00:41:06,115 --> 00:41:08,704
What does that Kinsey book
say about it?

767
00:41:11,730 --> 00:41:14,972
I think maybe you should
give it a rest for a while.

768
00:41:15,255 --> 00:41:17,496
You know, save some
for your true love.

769
00:41:19,128 --> 00:41:22,580
Peter, remember that story
we read in seventh grade?

770
00:41:22,610 --> 00:41:24,190
The one in scholastic magazine

771
00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,671
about the heroin addict
who was so whacked out

772
00:41:26,701 --> 00:41:28,855
that he pulled out his eyeballs?

773
00:41:29,051 --> 00:41:31,894
They said that
the dude's eyeballs was like
hanging down below his knees

774
00:41:31,924 --> 00:41:34,853
-still attached to his veins
or something like that? Yeah.
-Yeah, I remember.

775
00:41:34,883 --> 00:41:36,732
It wasn't true.

776
00:41:36,842 --> 00:41:39,170
They just printed that
to scare us.

777
00:41:39,235 --> 00:41:42,078
Look, it's all propaganda, Pete.

778
00:41:42,108 --> 00:41:44,131
Just like true love is.

779
00:41:44,197 --> 00:41:48,222
You know what? You and me
ain't never going to find it.

780
00:41:51,030 --> 00:41:54,307
Whoa! Did you see
that point 3% of all males

781
00:41:54,337 --> 00:41:56,222
succeed in self-fellatio?

782
00:41:56,252 --> 00:41:57,963
Have you noticed that
the guy across the street

783
00:41:57,993 --> 00:42:00,582
-never takes his wife out
anymore?
-No.

784
00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:04,064
Anything come
in the mail for me yet?

785
00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:06,145
You remember
that weird conversation

786
00:42:06,175 --> 00:42:08,670
we saw him having the
other day with that woman?

787
00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:12,246
And she was saying...
"Don't do it, don't do it."

788
00:42:12,704 --> 00:42:14,327
Yeah.

789
00:42:14,357 --> 00:42:18,201
Hey, maybe the other woman
is his lover, right?

790
00:42:18,231 --> 00:42:20,551
And he says, "I'm going
to kill my wife."

791
00:42:20,581 --> 00:42:24,163
- And she says...
- "No, don't do it, don't do it."

792
00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:25,694
You think?

793
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:29,350
Well, I know if my wife were
an invalid, I'd be that horny.

794
00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:31,570
You're sick.

795
00:42:32,114 --> 00:42:34,181
Come on, Pete. Everybody is.

796
00:42:34,508 --> 00:42:36,401
The question is...

797
00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:40,492
...what's he done with her body?

798
00:42:48,957 --> 00:42:51,329
How exactly would you go about

799
00:42:51,873 --> 00:42:54,071
cutting up a dead body?

800
00:42:55,529 --> 00:42:57,161
Well, that's a hacksaw.

801
00:42:58,227 --> 00:42:59,989
Me...

802
00:43:00,447 --> 00:43:02,470
I'd use a chain saw.

803
00:43:21,381 --> 00:43:22,874
The next day,
little Robert decided

804
00:43:22,904 --> 00:43:24,136
to take my advice and stand up

805
00:43:24,166 --> 00:43:26,320
to the tyranny of assholes.

806
00:43:41,183 --> 00:43:43,025
Little Robert was all right.

807
00:43:43,055 --> 00:43:46,071
He only needed 40 stitches
and two casts.

808
00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:48,813
But I began to wonder
whether or not I should have
tried tampering

809
00:43:48,843 --> 00:43:51,215
with the cosmic order of things.

810
00:43:51,933 --> 00:43:55,654
I was practicing my one-handed
technique when disaster struck.

811
00:43:57,199 --> 00:44:00,006
Nick and Erica had just come
back from the lake.

812
00:44:00,246 --> 00:44:03,836
Unfortunately, Erica's parents
let her out once in a while.

813
00:44:06,295 --> 00:44:08,746
No, come on.
You remember in that one movie.

814
00:44:08,776 --> 00:44:11,183
I mean, that just proves
that Roger Moore

815
00:44:11,213 --> 00:44:13,272
is by far the best James Bond.

816
00:44:13,302 --> 00:44:16,101
Erica looked great, of course.

817
00:44:16,131 --> 00:44:18,626
He's all right.
I, I agree he's not bad.

818
00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:23,072
But I nearly hurled at the sight
of Nick in his speedo.

819
00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:28,679
He washuge.
It immediately makes you think
of the words "Apollo Rocket."

820
00:44:28,709 --> 00:44:30,942
How the hell was I going
to compete with that?

821
00:44:30,972 --> 00:44:35,302
I was India's space program
compared to his Cape Kennedy.

822
00:44:35,716 --> 00:44:39,306
Hey, you brought
the protection, right?

823
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,432
The protection?
Where were her parents?

824
00:44:42,462 --> 00:44:44,826
Where was Christ's vice squad
when I needed them most?

825
00:44:44,856 --> 00:44:46,088
Come in, apollo 12.

826
00:44:46,118 --> 00:44:47,916
We have you cleared for takeoff.

827
00:44:47,946 --> 00:44:49,308
Roger that, mission control.

828
00:44:49,338 --> 00:44:51,057
We are ready for liftoff.

829
00:44:52,559 --> 00:44:55,401
We have liftoff
in ten... nine...

830
00:44:55,431 --> 00:44:56,968
- eight... seven...
- I had to do something.

831
00:44:56,998 --> 00:44:59,710
I had to abort Nick's trip
to Venus.

832
00:44:59,740 --> 00:45:03,322
- I did the only thing
I could think of.
- ...two, one...

833
00:45:03,352 --> 00:45:07,675
♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪

834
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:11,504
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

835
00:45:11,534 --> 00:45:15,291
♪ O come ye, o come ye ♪

836
00:45:15,321 --> 00:45:17,206
-♪ To Bethlehem... ♪
-I don't know why
this came to me.

837
00:45:17,236 --> 00:45:19,599
It must have been a word
association with "come."

838
00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:23,473
♪ Come and behold him ♪

839
00:45:23,503 --> 00:45:26,824
♪ He, the king of Israel ♪

840
00:45:26,854 --> 00:45:30,306
♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

841
00:45:30,336 --> 00:45:33,613
♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

842
00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:40,098
♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

843
00:45:40,128 --> 00:45:46,496
♪ Christ the lord ♪

844
00:45:46,526 --> 00:45:48,280
It seemed to do the trick.

845
00:45:48,310 --> 00:45:50,326
Nick, stop.

846
00:45:50,356 --> 00:45:52,850
Apollo 12,
we've had a malfunction.

847
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:54,425
Abort liftoff.

848
00:45:55,448 --> 00:45:56,985
I had visions that I could

849
00:45:57,015 --> 00:45:59,117
take Nick out
with my expert knowledge

850
00:45:59,147 --> 00:46:00,779
of the martial arts.

851
00:46:05,197 --> 00:46:06,741
Finish him.

852
00:46:07,155 --> 00:46:09,222
But that's not what happened.

853
00:46:10,506 --> 00:46:13,871
Towering above me Nick hawked
the biggest loogie ever.

854
00:46:13,901 --> 00:46:17,056
I trembled, knowing
it was intended for me.

855
00:46:19,907 --> 00:46:21,887
Oh, my God.

856
00:46:23,084 --> 00:46:24,629
You stuff.

857
00:46:24,999 --> 00:46:27,414
You stuff!

858
00:46:35,227 --> 00:46:37,294
If you tell anybody,
you're dead.

859
00:46:47,195 --> 00:46:50,655
Houston, we have liftoff.

860
00:47:11,916 --> 00:47:13,365
Dad, what are you doing?

861
00:47:13,395 --> 00:47:15,019
Having a yard sale.

862
00:47:15,049 --> 00:47:17,021
-This is my stuff.
-Well, since you don't live

863
00:47:17,051 --> 00:47:18,806
with us anymore,
didn't figure you needed it.

864
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:21,417
Hey, hey, how much for
the Sandy Koufax baseball card?

865
00:47:21,447 --> 00:47:22,853
Uh, what... 25 cents?

866
00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,246
That's a collector's edition.

867
00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,421
It's worth 50 bucks.

868
00:47:25,451 --> 00:47:26,639
Really?

869
00:47:26,669 --> 00:47:28,424
25 cents, not a cent less.

870
00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:30,564
Sold.

871
00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:36,265
Mom...

872
00:47:37,158 --> 00:47:39,304
Oh, how much for
the electric toothbrush?

873
00:47:39,334 --> 00:47:41,219
For you a special price,

874
00:47:41,249 --> 00:47:43,403
-a buck.
-Yeah.

875
00:47:43,817 --> 00:47:45,666
-There you go.
-Thank you.

876
00:47:46,733 --> 00:47:48,139
Matt, what are you doing?

877
00:47:48,169 --> 00:47:49,575
I use one of these
at my grandma's.

878
00:47:49,605 --> 00:47:50,707
If you do it right

879
00:47:50,737 --> 00:47:52,840
it feels just like a vibrator.

880
00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:54,885
What the hell are you doing

881
00:47:54,915 --> 00:47:57,279
- with your boy's things?
- They're not his things.

882
00:47:57,309 --> 00:47:59,324
I'll give you five bucks
for this collection of Playpens.

883
00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,936
- I'll give you six.
- You're not a customer.

884
00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:04,503
-And you have no right
to sell Peter's things.
-The pages are, like, sticky.

885
00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:06,114
-You have no right.
-This is disgusting.

886
00:48:06,144 --> 00:48:07,245
-Okay, okay, four bucks.
-No, you have no right.

887
00:48:07,275 --> 00:48:08,464
-Four bucks.
-Four bucks?

888
00:48:08,494 --> 00:48:09,813
- I'll take it.
- No, no.

889
00:48:09,843 --> 00:48:12,084
You have no right! You--

890
00:48:13,194 --> 00:48:14,122
Papa?

891
00:48:14,152 --> 00:48:15,471
Nonno? What's happening?

892
00:48:15,501 --> 00:48:17,081
What's the matter?

893
00:48:17,111 --> 00:48:18,604
-Are you all right?
-Papa!

894
00:48:18,634 --> 00:48:21,433
Okay, okay. Give the man
some room. Come on.

895
00:48:21,463 --> 00:48:23,131
Good old Nonno.

896
00:48:23,161 --> 00:48:25,785
He saved the best trick
in his arsenal for now.

897
00:48:25,815 --> 00:48:27,526
He was so convincing

898
00:48:27,556 --> 00:48:29,746
I almost believed he was
having a heart attack.

899
00:48:29,776 --> 00:48:31,182
Yard sale's over.

900
00:48:31,212 --> 00:48:32,401
Papa, speak to me!

901
00:48:32,431 --> 00:48:33,793
Good one, Nonno.

902
00:48:33,823 --> 00:48:35,237
Is anyone a doctor?

903
00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:38,197
Please, we need some help here.

904
00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:45,805
What's happening here?
- I don't know...

905
00:48:45,835 --> 00:48:48,591
What is wrong? Daddy?

906
00:48:48,621 --> 00:48:50,723
-He's not breathing.
-What do you mean
he's not breathing?

907
00:48:50,753 --> 00:48:52,595
He doesn't have a pulse.
Somebody call 911!

908
00:48:52,625 --> 00:48:55,163
-Somebody call 911!
-Please call 911!

909
00:48:55,193 --> 00:48:57,078
- Nonno.
- Do it now!

910
00:48:57,108 --> 00:48:58,253
- Hurry! Hurry!
- Oh, God.
Oh, no, no.

911
00:48:58,283 --> 00:49:00,516
Nonno?

912
00:49:00,546 --> 00:49:02,474
Tell them you're
faking. Come on.

913
00:49:02,504 --> 00:49:04,128
-Come on, Nonno.
-Are you faking, Daddy?
He's not faking.

914
00:49:04,158 --> 00:49:05,608
He's not faking.

915
00:49:05,638 --> 00:49:07,966
Papa? Papa, speak to me.

916
00:49:09,294 --> 00:49:11,099
Oh, no!

917
00:49:20,261 --> 00:49:22,016
I didn't stand
under Erica's window

918
00:49:22,046 --> 00:49:23,887
for the next couple of days.

919
00:49:23,917 --> 00:49:25,933
I figured I was allowed.

920
00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:28,377
My Dad blamed me
for what happened.

921
00:49:28,574 --> 00:49:31,677
He said if I still decided
to continue with my lunacy

922
00:49:31,707 --> 00:49:33,861
he would continue
to lock me out.

923
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:36,117
With an asshole like my Dad
I'm surprised

924
00:49:36,147 --> 00:49:39,301
- that I didn't inherit the asshole gene.
-  -Peter...

925
00:49:51,553 --> 00:49:54,099
Is that what I think it is?

926
00:49:56,645 --> 00:49:59,227
Jesus. I'm getting excited

927
00:49:59,257 --> 00:50:02,150
right after my grandfather's
own funeral.

928
00:50:02,782 --> 00:50:04,849
You must think I'm sick.

929
00:50:07,743 --> 00:50:12,509
I just think it means Nonno's
spirit runs strong in you.

930
00:50:24,456 --> 00:50:27,741
Hey, brought back
your electric toothbrush.

931
00:50:31,724 --> 00:50:35,959
-How thoughtful.
-You know, it doesn't vibrate
as good as I thought it would.

932
00:50:35,989 --> 00:50:38,048
-Here, feel.
-No. I'm not touching that

933
00:50:38,078 --> 00:50:40,319
let alone putting it
in my mouth.

934
00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:44,018
-I washed it off, I swear.
-Just keep it.

935
00:50:44,737 --> 00:50:47,449
You're just in a crappy mood
'cause you realize
this Romeo act

936
00:50:47,479 --> 00:50:49,415
is a dumb-ass idea.

937
00:50:50,090 --> 00:50:52,549
I haven't decided
whether to give this up yet.

938
00:50:52,832 --> 00:50:54,195
Erica was so sweet today

939
00:50:54,225 --> 00:50:57,249
you could have poured her
over pancakes...

940
00:50:58,359 --> 00:50:59,983
...but she hasn't given me
any indication

941
00:51:00,013 --> 00:51:01,941
that I have a chance with her.

942
00:51:01,971 --> 00:51:04,509
Well, I'll tell you,
the fact that Nick's giving her

943
00:51:04,539 --> 00:51:08,390
the old roto-rooter
ain't a good sign.

944
00:51:08,456 --> 00:51:11,655
Nonno was the only one who
thought this was a good idea.

945
00:51:12,678 --> 00:51:14,693
Maybe I should just
bite the big one

946
00:51:14,723 --> 00:51:16,660
and call it quits.

947
00:51:17,378 --> 00:51:19,488
Bite away, my friend.

948
00:51:39,226 --> 00:51:42,773
You see? Nice guys
don't always finish last.

949
00:51:44,579 --> 00:51:46,864
You're not going
to give up now, are you?

950
00:51:49,410 --> 00:51:50,729
No.

951
00:51:50,759 --> 00:51:52,296
Oh, man,
your grandfather croaked

952
00:51:52,326 --> 00:51:54,175
and it was your perfect out.

953
00:51:57,418 --> 00:51:59,521
I started reading Casanova.

954
00:51:59,551 --> 00:52:02,524
I didn't know he got
syphilis five times.

955
00:52:02,554 --> 00:52:04,395
I should be so lucky.

956
00:52:04,425 --> 00:52:06,049
All the excitement
of the past days

957
00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:07,703
has completely lobotomized me

958
00:52:07,733 --> 00:52:09,226
to what was going on
across the street

959
00:52:09,256 --> 00:52:11,272
until I saw my man carry out

960
00:52:11,302 --> 00:52:12,795
some suspicious bags

961
00:52:12,825 --> 00:52:14,892
and put them
in the trunk of his car.

962
00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:40,221
A couple of nights later,
I had an unexpected visitor.

963
00:52:40,940 --> 00:52:43,042
It was Ms. Lewis,

964
00:52:43,072 --> 00:52:45,705
the pretty divorcee
from down the street.

965
00:52:45,858 --> 00:52:49,274
Her body was smoldering
like a lit cigarette.

966
00:52:52,908 --> 00:52:54,758
Hello, Peter.

967
00:52:56,260 --> 00:52:58,109
Ms. Lewis.

968
00:52:58,305 --> 00:53:01,025
I was hoping
you could cut my grass.

969
00:53:02,831 --> 00:53:05,203
I'm not mowing lawns this year.

970
00:53:05,530 --> 00:53:07,988
I'll make it worth your while

971
00:53:08,141 --> 00:53:12,427
and you won't have to bag it.

972
00:53:14,016 --> 00:53:15,822
I can't.

973
00:53:16,628 --> 00:53:18,651
What am I to do?

974
00:53:20,066 --> 00:53:24,657
It needs to be cut
at least twice a week.

975
00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:29,698
It grows... so... fast.

976
00:53:29,728 --> 00:53:31,134
She was coming on to me.

977
00:53:31,164 --> 00:53:32,657
I was paralyzed.

978
00:53:32,687 --> 00:53:34,703
I didn't know what to do.

979
00:53:34,733 --> 00:53:36,618
Fortunately, I didn't have
to do anything.

980
00:53:36,648 --> 00:53:38,453
She did it all.

981
00:53:39,999 --> 00:53:42,711
I thought,
this might be my chance.

982
00:53:42,741 --> 00:53:45,540
If Erica comes to the balcony
and sees me with another woman

983
00:53:45,570 --> 00:53:46,940
she'll be jealous.

984
00:53:47,049 --> 00:53:49,413
Stay away from him. He's my man.

985
00:53:49,443 --> 00:53:51,850
Then I had the fear that Erica
was just the type of girl

986
00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:53,947
who would enjoy watching.

987
00:53:54,970 --> 00:53:57,298
I decided to put my all into it.

988
00:53:57,582 --> 00:54:01,476
If Erica saw how good I was,
she would want me even more.

989
00:54:03,892 --> 00:54:05,647
But I also worried
she might be as harsh

990
00:54:05,677 --> 00:54:07,831
on my performance
as an east German judge.

991
00:54:09,637 --> 00:54:12,523
What was I doing?
If Erica sees me like this

992
00:54:12,553 --> 00:54:15,439
I will jeopardize all
I had worked for all summer.

993
00:54:15,469 --> 00:54:17,398
I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis...

994
00:54:17,428 --> 00:54:19,538
...was most persuasive.

995
00:54:19,647 --> 00:54:21,445
How could I tell her no now?

996
00:54:21,475 --> 00:54:25,674
I tried to think
of anything other than sex.

997
00:54:36,142 --> 00:54:37,817
What happened?

998
00:54:42,366 --> 00:54:44,041
I don't know.

999
00:54:44,455 --> 00:54:46,957
Maybe now is not a good time.

1000
00:54:47,849 --> 00:54:49,655
Perhaps it's...

1001
00:54:49,938 --> 00:54:51,345
...perhaps it's 'cause
I've been trying

1002
00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:54,225
to get this girl to notice me.

1003
00:54:54,943 --> 00:54:57,228
Yes, I know.

1004
00:54:57,990 --> 00:54:59,483
I know all about it.

1005
00:54:59,513 --> 00:55:01,798
It's what makes you so exciting.

1006
00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:05,062
I'm sorry.

1007
00:55:10,872 --> 00:55:12,809
Hey.

1008
00:55:16,138 --> 00:55:17,944
What happened to you?

1009
00:55:18,010 --> 00:55:20,947
I tried to become part
of that point 3%.

1010
00:55:22,101 --> 00:55:23,732
What do you mean?

1011
00:55:24,973 --> 00:55:28,476
Your Kinsey Reports.

1012
00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:32,255
I tried to suck myself off
and I hurt my neck.

1013
00:55:32,285 --> 00:55:34,526
Now I've got to wear
this stupid thing.

1014
00:55:35,636 --> 00:55:38,435
Hey, anything come
in the mail for me yet?

1015
00:55:38,465 --> 00:55:40,924
-Nope.
-What's the matter with you?

1016
00:55:41,816 --> 00:55:43,404
Nothing.

1017
00:55:43,557 --> 00:55:45,268
Something's wrong.

1018
00:55:45,298 --> 00:55:46,574
Nothing's wrong.

1019
00:55:46,604 --> 00:55:48,453
Yes, there is.

1020
00:55:49,302 --> 00:55:52,884
See, normally,
you would have asked me

1021
00:55:52,914 --> 00:55:55,452
if I succeeded in
my venture of self-fellatio.

1022
00:55:55,482 --> 00:55:57,331
But you didn't ask that.

1023
00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,639
Well, did you?

1024
00:56:00,835 --> 00:56:02,154
I will only tell you

1025
00:56:02,184 --> 00:56:04,208
when you tell me what's wrong.

1026
00:56:07,189 --> 00:56:08,603
Okay.

1027
00:56:09,061 --> 00:56:10,337
I succeeded.

1028
00:56:10,367 --> 00:56:11,425
You didn't.

1029
00:56:11,455 --> 00:56:14,210
Yeah. Only for a second, though,

1030
00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:16,611
before I snapped
something in my neck.

1031
00:56:16,938 --> 00:56:19,266
Did you know it tastes
like roast beef?

1032
00:56:19,767 --> 00:56:21,790
Which I actually
found reassuring.

1033
00:56:21,943 --> 00:56:25,003
See, I always thought that girls
must hate giving head.

1034
00:56:25,033 --> 00:56:26,440
But if you think about it,

1035
00:56:26,470 --> 00:56:28,362
it's kind of like
a trip to the sizzler.

1036
00:56:29,951 --> 00:56:32,453
Come on, tell me
what's bothering you.

1037
00:56:33,651 --> 00:56:35,500
I'm running out of time.

1038
00:56:36,001 --> 00:56:38,060
Erica leaves for college
in a couple of weeks.

1039
00:56:38,090 --> 00:56:40,367
I'm beginning to think
this isn't going to work.

1040
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,456
She probably thinks
I'm even more of a schmuck
than before, you know?

1041
00:56:42,486 --> 00:56:44,552
Yeah, well, I told you so.

1042
00:56:44,618 --> 00:56:46,641
I don't need to hear that
from you.

1043
00:56:46,707 --> 00:56:48,810
You're supposed to be my friend.

1044
00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:52,074
I was just trying to give you
some good advice.

1045
00:56:52,104 --> 00:56:53,997
Good advice.

1046
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:57,514
Why would I take advice
from a guy who broke his neck

1047
00:56:57,544 --> 00:56:59,350
trying to suck his own dick?

1048
00:56:59,851 --> 00:57:02,040
Because I am enterprising.

1049
00:57:02,070 --> 00:57:04,050
Ah-ah.

1050
00:57:04,812 --> 00:57:08,133
There was one thing
I hadn't tried yet
to become Erica's love slave

1051
00:57:08,163 --> 00:57:11,049
and that was impressing her
by pissing her parents off.

1052
00:57:11,079 --> 00:57:13,487
Giuseppe had been working
on a plan.

1053
00:57:13,517 --> 00:57:16,367
We were just waiting
for the right opportunity.

1054
00:57:16,650 --> 00:57:18,717
Finally, it presented itself.

1055
00:57:18,783 --> 00:57:20,711
Erica's father and his
friends were competing

1056
00:57:20,741 --> 00:57:22,974
for some easter pageant contest

1057
00:57:23,004 --> 00:57:25,499
one where 12 guys in
bedsheets hold a pose

1058
00:57:25,529 --> 00:57:27,501
of Leonard da Vinci's
last supper

1059
00:57:27,531 --> 00:57:29,336
for over five minutes.

1060
00:57:29,402 --> 00:57:31,330
The team with the best
tableau gets to perform it

1061
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,907
at the national cathedral
for the president or something.

1062
00:57:37,323 --> 00:57:39,295
Darn it, Phil. You moved.

1063
00:57:39,325 --> 00:57:41,958
I couldn't help it.
I had an itch.

1064
00:57:42,023 --> 00:57:44,039
We were only two minutes
and 13 seconds into it.

1065
00:57:44,069 --> 00:57:45,910
We have to hold it
over twicethat long

1066
00:57:45,940 --> 00:57:47,738
if we stand any chance at
all to win this thing.

1067
00:57:47,768 --> 00:57:49,305
Well, it's easy for you.

1068
00:57:49,335 --> 00:57:51,046
You get to rest your elbows
on the table.

1069
00:57:51,076 --> 00:57:53,309
Try holding your arms out
like this for five minutes.

1070
00:57:53,339 --> 00:57:54,397
Erica's father
it's not that hard.

1071
00:57:54,427 --> 00:57:56,094
Yeah, then, you try it.

1072
00:57:56,124 --> 00:57:58,844
Why do you get to be Jesus
every year?

1073
00:57:58,953 --> 00:58:01,622
Because I organize this thing.
I'm the leader.

1074
00:58:01,652 --> 00:58:03,493
Well, I'm tired of playing Judas
all the time.

1075
00:58:03,523 --> 00:58:06,243
Come on, Phil,
you make a great Judas.

1076
00:58:07,527 --> 00:58:09,463
What is that supposed to mean?

1077
00:58:10,878 --> 00:58:13,511
And where do you think
you're going, young lady?

1078
00:58:13,751 --> 00:58:16,158
Nick got tickets
to Lollapalooza. So we're going.

1079
00:58:16,188 --> 00:58:18,334
Well, don't you remember?
I banned you from going out.

1080
00:58:18,364 --> 00:58:20,694
Well, can't you make an
exception this one time?

1081
00:58:20,724 --> 00:58:21,511
No.

1082
00:58:21,541 --> 00:58:23,078
You're not leaving this house.

1083
00:58:23,108 --> 00:58:24,688
Dad, what are you talking about?

1084
00:58:24,718 --> 00:58:26,298
- This is not fair.
- Nobody said

1085
00:58:26,328 --> 00:58:28,039
-growing up was fair.
-It is time, my friend.

1086
00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:30,041
You're treating me like I'm ten!

1087
00:58:30,071 --> 00:58:31,695
You're acting like you're ten!

1088
00:58:31,725 --> 00:58:34,045
No, I don't usually do this
but it is my res--

1089
00:58:34,075 --> 00:58:36,969
Let her go.
Or the baby Jesus gets it.

1090
00:58:37,557 --> 00:58:39,363
Peter, what...?

1091
00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,539
I mean it.

1092
00:58:46,087 --> 00:58:49,286
I cannot have you
desecrate the baby Jesus.

1093
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:54,552
All right, Erica, you may go.

1094
00:59:00,101 --> 00:59:01,856
Now, give him to me.

1095
00:59:01,886 --> 00:59:04,293
I'll give him back
at the end of the summer

1096
00:59:04,323 --> 00:59:06,425
when Erica leaves for college.

1097
00:59:06,455 --> 00:59:08,471
It's not fair you keep her
locked up in here.

1098
00:59:08,501 --> 00:59:09,915
Why, you...

1099
00:59:10,068 --> 00:59:12,352
Get him!

1100
00:59:23,951 --> 00:59:25,619
So, how do you think
Jesus really feels

1101
00:59:25,649 --> 00:59:28,499
about having his name on
all those bumper stickers?

1102
00:59:38,270 --> 00:59:41,164
So, my father's pretty pissed.

1103
00:59:42,187 --> 00:59:43,601
Yeah.

1104
00:59:46,408 --> 00:59:48,867
You didn't have
to do that, you know.

1105
00:59:50,804 --> 00:59:52,523
I wanted to.

1106
00:59:55,548 --> 00:59:57,005
Thanks.

1107
01:00:07,081 --> 01:00:08,713
Well, good night.

1108
01:00:18,745 --> 01:00:21,465
What?

1109
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:24,598
She only gave you
a peck on the cheek
after what you did for her?

1110
01:00:24,708 --> 01:00:26,549
I know. What does that mean?

1111
01:00:26,579 --> 01:00:28,159
Well, I'll tell you
what it means.

1112
01:00:28,189 --> 01:00:29,683
It means you ain't never
going to make

1113
01:00:29,713 --> 01:00:32,258
the beast with two backs
with her, my friend.

1114
01:00:32,367 --> 01:00:34,956
I don't know.
We've been talking a lot lately.

1115
01:00:35,109 --> 01:00:37,394
Yeah, sure.
You're in the friends zone.

1116
01:00:37,459 --> 01:00:40,258
-Is that bad?
-Bad? It's the worst.

1117
01:00:40,288 --> 01:00:41,912
Come on,
girls don't want a friend.

1118
01:00:41,942 --> 01:00:43,661
They want a human piston.

1119
01:00:43,901 --> 01:00:45,873
Well, maybe I still got a chance

1120
01:00:45,903 --> 01:00:48,970
of becoming her human
piston,as you put it.

1121
01:00:49,036 --> 01:00:50,747
We're not that good of friends.

1122
01:00:50,777 --> 01:00:53,236
Are you kidding me? You're doing
life in the friends zone.

1123
01:00:53,388 --> 01:00:55,716
-You think so?
-I knowso.

1124
01:01:02,484 --> 01:01:06,937
So, um, what's up with our,
uh, psycho killer over there
across the street?

1125
01:01:06,967 --> 01:01:09,897
Well, I snuck over there
the other night

1126
01:01:09,927 --> 01:01:11,986
to take a peek
at what he was up to.

1127
01:01:12,016 --> 01:01:14,118
-He nearly caught me.
-See, I told you.

1128
01:01:14,148 --> 01:01:17,521
-I knew it. The guy's nuts.
-I'm not so sure.

1129
01:01:17,717 --> 01:01:20,690
The past couple of nights
I've seen him take
several garbage bags out

1130
01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:24,955
-filled with something.
-Bet you he was taking his
wife out, piece by piece.

1131
01:01:24,985 --> 01:01:27,139
That's a lot of bags
for just one person.

1132
01:01:27,292 --> 01:01:29,489
Maybe he was taking
out his whole family.

1133
01:01:29,773 --> 01:01:31,883
I know I've thought
about it myself.

1134
01:01:32,732 --> 01:01:34,494
I don't think he has any family.

1135
01:01:35,604 --> 01:01:37,664
Oh! It's here, man!

1136
01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,578
- There you go.
- Yes, it's here!

1137
01:01:39,608 --> 01:01:42,154
-It's finally here!
-What's finally here?

1138
01:01:42,220 --> 01:01:43,931
It's an Orgasmatron.

1139
01:01:43,961 --> 01:01:47,108
I ordered it in shaved magazine.
Check it out. See?

1140
01:01:47,138 --> 01:01:49,327
It runs on battery or A.C.

1141
01:01:49,357 --> 01:01:51,068
It's a new era, Pete.

1142
01:01:51,098 --> 01:01:53,027
Look, you know
they have a name now

1143
01:01:53,057 --> 01:01:54,898
for electronic sex?

1144
01:01:54,928 --> 01:01:56,030
What's that?

1145
01:01:56,060 --> 01:01:57,553
"Dildonics."

1146
01:01:57,583 --> 01:01:59,867
Pretty cool, ah-ah?

1147
01:02:00,455 --> 01:02:02,522
Dildonics.

1148
01:02:03,154 --> 01:02:05,351
It kind of makes you
sound like a homo.

1149
01:02:06,810 --> 01:02:08,259
Wow.

1150
01:02:08,289 --> 01:02:10,182
I never thought of it like that.

1151
01:02:10,422 --> 01:02:13,359
Anyway, it's a bold,
new frontier, man.

1152
01:02:13,425 --> 01:02:15,492
I'll let you borrow it
any time you want.

1153
01:02:17,037 --> 01:02:18,451
Hmm...

1154
01:02:22,913 --> 01:02:26,625
-That's okay.
-Listen, with the way
things are going with you

1155
01:02:26,655 --> 01:02:29,767
you may want to consider
my plan of self-sufficiency.

1156
01:02:32,183 --> 01:02:34,598
Ha! Whoa!

1157
01:02:34,663 --> 01:02:37,767
The friends zone had
an incredible hold on me.

1158
01:02:37,797 --> 01:02:40,683
I couldn't escape
its hellish grasp.

1159
01:02:40,713 --> 01:02:44,295
So, who would you rather be,
Paul McCartney or John Lennon?

1160
01:02:44,325 --> 01:02:46,254
That's obvious, John Lennon.

1161
01:02:46,284 --> 01:02:48,778
-Yeah, but you'd be dead now.
-So what?

1162
01:02:48,808 --> 01:02:51,658
At least I'd be the coolest
of all The Beatles.

1163
01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:54,618
I don't know.
He did marry Yoko Ono.

1164
01:02:55,336 --> 01:02:57,308
I think people underestimate
Paul McCartney.

1165
01:02:57,338 --> 01:02:58,701
I mean, he's written
some pretty good music.

1166
01:02:58,731 --> 01:03:01,364
Like "Ebony and Ivory"?

1167
01:03:01,995 --> 01:03:04,062
Okay, you're right.

1168
01:03:04,519 --> 01:03:07,231
You know, I don't think it'd be
so hard being a songwriter.

1169
01:03:07,261 --> 01:03:09,756
-Oh, yeah?
-I mean, if you're a novelist

1170
01:03:09,786 --> 01:03:11,975
you have to come up with
every sentence and every word.

1171
01:03:12,005 --> 01:03:14,064
If you're a businessman,
your reports have to be

1172
01:03:14,094 --> 01:03:17,241
well thought out with real sound
financial conclusions, right?

1173
01:03:17,271 --> 01:03:19,678
-Right.
-But if you're a songwriter

1174
01:03:19,708 --> 01:03:22,203
and you can't figure out
how to end a song

1175
01:03:22,233 --> 01:03:24,125
you just fade out.

1176
01:03:24,626 --> 01:03:25,641
It's easy.

1177
01:03:25,671 --> 01:03:27,599
Yeah, you're right.

1178
01:03:27,629 --> 01:03:32,003
What other job let's you
finish it up by just fading out?

1179
01:03:32,199 --> 01:03:34,310
A film director.

1180
01:03:39,250 --> 01:03:41,439
So, it went on like this.

1181
01:03:41,469 --> 01:03:45,704
Maybe Erica was right
we were "just friends."

1182
01:03:45,734 --> 01:03:47,532
So, you never told me.

1183
01:03:47,562 --> 01:03:49,760
What's the worst thing
your parents ever did to you?

1184
01:03:49,826 --> 01:03:52,102
I guess the worst thing
my dad ever did was

1185
01:03:52,132 --> 01:03:55,156
speak at career day
to my third-grade class.

1186
01:03:55,483 --> 01:03:56,977
He talked for over half an hour

1187
01:03:57,007 --> 01:03:59,588
about the joys
of being a radiologist

1188
01:03:59,618 --> 01:04:02,678
and then proceeded
to treat the entire class

1189
01:04:02,708 --> 01:04:04,375
to a chocolate barium.

1190
01:04:04,405 --> 01:04:06,254
That's bad.

1191
01:04:07,713 --> 01:04:09,345
So, what about you?

1192
01:04:10,063 --> 01:04:12,644
It must've been
the time I was five.

1193
01:04:12,674 --> 01:04:15,691
My dad and I were at
the lighthouse Christian store.

1194
01:04:15,721 --> 01:04:19,651
It was January and he was buying
Christmas cards.

1195
01:04:19,681 --> 01:04:22,829
He always does that,
buys Christmas cards in January

1196
01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:25,135
when the previous year's
selection go on sale.

1197
01:04:25,165 --> 01:04:27,311
Anyway, I had just learned
to count

1198
01:04:27,341 --> 01:04:28,747
so I was always counting things,

1199
01:04:28,777 --> 01:04:30,097
you know, like the number
of stoplights

1200
01:04:30,127 --> 01:04:32,063
on the way to the store,
stuff like that.

1201
01:04:32,564 --> 01:04:36,059
When the cashier gave my dad
his change back, I had noticed

1202
01:04:36,089 --> 01:04:38,243
that she had given him
the wrong amount.

1203
01:04:38,352 --> 01:04:40,854
She'd given him too much...

1204
01:04:41,399 --> 01:04:44,292
And I looked up at my dad
and he had noticed, too.

1205
01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,512
But he didn't do anything.

1206
01:04:46,839 --> 01:04:48,506
He just took the money

1207
01:04:48,536 --> 01:04:50,552
and put it in his wallet
and we left.

1208
01:04:50,582 --> 01:04:52,293
Wow.

1209
01:04:52,323 --> 01:04:54,694
It was right then, I guess,

1210
01:04:54,934 --> 01:04:58,306
that I stopped believing
my parents were perfect people.

1211
01:05:01,941 --> 01:05:03,486
Well,

1212
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:05,749
good night, Peter.

1213
01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:10,318
Night.

1214
01:05:12,343 --> 01:05:15,229
If Erica had lost all trust
in her parents

1215
01:05:15,259 --> 01:05:17,151
how could she trust anything?

1216
01:05:17,478 --> 01:05:19,676
How could she trust
that I loved her?

1217
01:05:19,741 --> 01:05:22,671
I was beginning
to think Matt was right.

1218
01:05:22,701 --> 01:05:26,805
I had tried everything
to win over my beloved Erica,
but nothing had worked.

1219
01:05:26,835 --> 01:05:28,720
Nothing was going to work.

1220
01:05:28,750 --> 01:05:30,418
All it had done was strand me
in the friends zone

1221
01:05:30,448 --> 01:05:32,115
like Charlton Heston
being marooned

1222
01:05:32,145 --> 01:05:33,638
in thePlanet of the Apes.

1223
01:05:33,668 --> 01:05:35,205
I was so unhappy...

1224
01:05:35,235 --> 01:05:36,467
...whereas my best bud Matt

1225
01:05:36,497 --> 01:05:37,642
had fallen in love with a robot

1226
01:05:37,672 --> 01:05:39,696
which gives blow jobs.

1227
01:05:41,415 --> 01:05:44,171
Maybe I was the strange one,
not him.

1228
01:05:44,201 --> 01:05:45,658
At least he was happy.

1229
01:05:47,247 --> 01:05:48,653
My dick!

1230
01:05:48,683 --> 01:05:50,446
My dick!

1231
01:06:22,674 --> 01:06:24,610
Here, you try.

1232
01:06:25,590 --> 01:06:27,649
-It's silly.
-So what? It's fun.

1233
01:06:27,679 --> 01:06:29,477
It'll make you feel
like a kid again.

1234
01:06:29,507 --> 01:06:31,261
Now, go on!

1235
01:06:31,291 --> 01:06:33,140
That's it.

1236
01:06:33,206 --> 01:06:35,882
Go! Have fun.

1237
01:07:31,351 --> 01:07:33,671
You know,
everybody thinks you're crazy.

1238
01:07:33,701 --> 01:07:35,420
So what?

1239
01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:39,460
Well, I mean, you got to admit

1240
01:07:39,490 --> 01:07:40,809
you do some pretty weird things.

1241
01:07:40,839 --> 01:07:42,775
I don't think so.

1242
01:07:44,147 --> 01:07:45,604
Well,

1243
01:07:46,192 --> 01:07:49,608
explain why you sometimes go
out to your car and eat dinner.

1244
01:07:49,848 --> 01:07:51,646
My car radio gets
better reception

1245
01:07:51,676 --> 01:07:53,082
than the one on my stereo.

1246
01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,571
I go out there
to listen to my opera.

1247
01:07:58,422 --> 01:08:00,568
What about doing your gardening
in a scuba mask?

1248
01:08:00,598 --> 01:08:04,014
I love to garden,
but I'm allergic to pollen.

1249
01:08:04,645 --> 01:08:06,356
It's the only way
I can work in the yard

1250
01:08:06,386 --> 01:08:09,019
without having
my eyes all tear up.

1251
01:08:11,391 --> 01:08:12,275
Okay,

1252
01:08:12,305 --> 01:08:13,885
but admit it,

1253
01:08:13,915 --> 01:08:16,374
cutting your grass in the middle
of the night...

1254
01:08:16,918 --> 01:08:18,238
...it's a little strange.

1255
01:08:18,268 --> 01:08:19,935
With this humidity?

1256
01:08:19,965 --> 01:08:23,294
Night time's the only sane
time to cut the grass.

1257
01:08:23,621 --> 01:08:25,897
What about sitting
on your roof with the telephone?

1258
01:08:25,927 --> 01:08:27,690
Oh, that.

1259
01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,206
My best friend Mabel lives

1260
01:08:30,236 --> 01:08:32,782
just a couple of blocks
away from here.

1261
01:08:33,979 --> 01:08:37,518
She's going senile,
but she won't admit it

1262
01:08:37,548 --> 01:08:40,173
and she insists
on driving her car.

1263
01:08:40,203 --> 01:08:44,707
So, when she's coming over
to visit, I go up on my roof.

1264
01:08:45,556 --> 01:08:48,449
I can see her back
out of her driveway

1265
01:08:48,515 --> 01:08:52,837
and, if she makes a wrong turn
I call her on her car phone
and give her directions.

1266
01:08:52,867 --> 01:08:54,499
Voila!

1267
01:08:57,698 --> 01:08:58,756
It all makes sense.

1268
01:08:58,786 --> 01:09:01,114
Everything does.

1269
01:09:02,225 --> 01:09:04,944
It just depends on
your perspective.

1270
01:09:08,927 --> 01:09:11,117
This is the worst day
of my life.

1271
01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:13,997
The Orgasmatron shorted out
on me...

1272
01:09:14,411 --> 01:09:17,087
...gave my penis
an electric shock.

1273
01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:18,385
You didn't like that?

1274
01:09:18,415 --> 01:09:19,821
No, you don't understand, okay?

1275
01:09:19,851 --> 01:09:21,475
I can't get it up anymore.

1276
01:09:21,505 --> 01:09:22,998
It doesn't work.

1277
01:09:23,028 --> 01:09:24,739
Just leave it alone
for a little while.

1278
01:09:24,769 --> 01:09:26,784
I'm sure it just needs
a little Randamp;R.

1279
01:09:26,814 --> 01:09:28,308
Yeah, I know, I tried that.

1280
01:09:28,338 --> 01:09:30,614
I waited all morning
and then tried it again.

1281
01:09:30,644 --> 01:09:32,181
It still doesn't work.

1282
01:09:32,211 --> 01:09:34,800
I can't even get it to go
to half-mast.

1283
01:09:35,606 --> 01:09:40,015
Hey, what if you're right?
What if a guy only has
a finite number of erections

1284
01:09:40,045 --> 01:09:42,242
and I've used all mine up?

1285
01:09:42,961 --> 01:09:44,636
Well, what are you going to do?

1286
01:09:44,963 --> 01:09:47,900
I do have an emergency
plan for such an event

1287
01:09:48,140 --> 01:09:51,556
but, uh,
I'm going to need your help.

1288
01:09:52,884 --> 01:09:54,377
No way, man.

1289
01:09:54,407 --> 01:09:56,039
It's too weird for me.

1290
01:09:56,496 --> 01:09:57,989
Come on, man.

1291
01:09:58,019 --> 01:10:00,347
Look, it's nothing
like that, okay?

1292
01:10:01,545 --> 01:10:04,874
I got some money saved up
and there's this lady
on the boulevard, right?

1293
01:10:05,070 --> 01:10:07,920
Let's just say
she's an experienced lady.

1294
01:10:08,639 --> 01:10:11,394
For 100 bucks,
she'll do it any way you want.

1295
01:10:11,424 --> 01:10:13,004
What do you need me for?

1296
01:10:13,034 --> 01:10:15,659
I can't do this alone.
I need you to go with me.

1297
01:10:15,689 --> 01:10:17,748
Now, I got $150 saved up.

1298
01:10:17,778 --> 01:10:20,498
Hey, we can work
a two-for-one deal.

1299
01:10:20,607 --> 01:10:21,970
No way.

1300
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,711
Come on, man.

1301
01:10:23,741 --> 01:10:26,069
I'll even take sloppy seconds.

1302
01:10:29,486 --> 01:10:31,806
Just forget it.

1303
01:10:31,836 --> 01:10:34,591
I've only got a few days
left to win Erica's love.

1304
01:10:34,621 --> 01:10:37,297
Even if she doesn't
fall in love with me

1305
01:10:37,450 --> 01:10:40,206
I've decided to stick it out
until the end of the summer.

1306
01:10:40,236 --> 01:10:42,251
That way, I know
I've tried everything.

1307
01:10:42,281 --> 01:10:44,043
Please, man.

1308
01:10:44,588 --> 01:10:46,734
Come on, man, it's an emergency.

1309
01:10:46,764 --> 01:10:48,526
I need your help.

1310
01:10:49,506 --> 01:10:51,485
I can't.

1311
01:10:51,682 --> 01:10:53,749
What kind of friend are you?

1312
01:10:53,901 --> 01:10:56,439
I mean, you spend
our last great summer together

1313
01:10:56,469 --> 01:10:58,659
standing under some
stupid girl's window

1314
01:10:58,689 --> 01:11:00,313
and do I say a word
about it to you?

1315
01:11:00,343 --> 01:11:01,879
No, not once...

1316
01:11:01,909 --> 01:11:03,446
But, then, when I need you

1317
01:11:03,476 --> 01:11:04,795
in the middle of
the biggest crisis

1318
01:11:04,825 --> 01:11:05,883
of my entire life

1319
01:11:05,913 --> 01:11:08,111
you don't even consider it?

1320
01:11:08,394 --> 01:11:10,105
You're a dickwad, you know that?

1321
01:11:10,135 --> 01:11:13,072
Yeah, no wonder Erica
doesn't like you.

1322
01:11:14,182 --> 01:11:15,153
Take it back.

1323
01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:17,155
No. No.

1324
01:11:17,185 --> 01:11:18,853
You know what?
You're an ass-wipe

1325
01:11:18,883 --> 01:11:20,732
and she's never
going to love you.

1326
01:11:20,885 --> 01:11:22,335
-Take it back!
-No! Come on!

1327
01:11:22,365 --> 01:11:23,684
Yeah, yeah, take it back!

1328
01:11:23,714 --> 01:11:24,815
-No!
-Yeah, yeah!

1329
01:11:24,845 --> 01:11:26,382
Come here!

1330
01:11:26,412 --> 01:11:27,557
Ow! My neck, man!

1331
01:11:27,587 --> 01:11:28,645
Come on! My neck!

1332
01:11:28,675 --> 01:11:30,002
Get off!

1333
01:11:34,159 --> 01:11:36,740
Pretty stupid, too, pal.

1334
01:11:36,770 --> 01:11:38,742
Maybe I was stupid.

1335
01:11:38,772 --> 01:11:40,744
That afternoon
my dad gave me proof

1336
01:11:40,774 --> 01:11:43,356
that I have inherited
this trait from him.

1337
01:11:43,386 --> 01:11:45,358
I had just finishedCasanova

1338
01:11:45,388 --> 01:11:47,838
and had begun reading the
love poems of Robert Browning

1339
01:11:47,868 --> 01:11:50,058
and his wife
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

1340
01:11:50,088 --> 01:11:52,278
She's the one who wrote,
"How do I love thee?

1341
01:11:52,308 --> 01:11:54,149
Let me count the ways..."

1342
01:11:54,179 --> 01:11:56,282
Anyway, it was
my parents' anniversary

1343
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:59,727
and my father made the mistake
of getting the wrong gift.

1344
01:12:07,366 --> 01:12:09,650
I'm sorry, honey.

1345
01:12:11,065 --> 01:12:13,480
♪ Life was good... ♪

1346
01:12:14,591 --> 01:12:16,563
My dad tried to salvage
the situation

1347
01:12:16,593 --> 01:12:18,790
by rushing out
to the jewelry store.

1348
01:12:20,684 --> 01:12:22,090
But that wasn't enough.

1349
01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:23,744
When he came home,

1350
01:12:23,774 --> 01:12:26,580
he was in for a big surprise.

1351
01:12:27,212 --> 01:12:30,149
♪ I saw a change ♪

1352
01:12:30,911 --> 01:12:34,153
♪ In the heart of love ♪

1353
01:12:36,482 --> 01:12:40,246
♪ Under a liar's moon... ♪

1354
01:12:42,706 --> 01:12:45,121
Honey, come on,
let me in, please?

1355
01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:50,517
Sweetheart, I, I got you
another present, see?

1356
01:12:51,671 --> 01:12:54,688
♪ You tell me that you love me ♪

1357
01:12:54,718 --> 01:12:58,699
♪ But you don't get my style ♪

1358
01:12:59,766 --> 01:13:02,268
♪ You just don't care ♪

1359
01:13:03,466 --> 01:13:06,359
♪ And I care too much ♪

1360
01:13:07,513 --> 01:13:11,008
♪ I'm under a liar's... ♪

1361
01:13:11,038 --> 01:13:13,105
May I join you?

1362
01:13:17,654 --> 01:13:19,111
Guess so.

1363
01:13:40,894 --> 01:13:43,266
I always thought
my dad was pretty lame.

1364
01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:47,523
What did it say about me
now that my dad was using
my strategy to win Erica

1365
01:13:47,553 --> 01:13:49,925
to score points with mom?

1366
01:13:53,298 --> 01:13:55,401
I hoped my dad would have
more luck with my mom

1367
01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,671
than I was having with Erica.

1368
01:13:57,824 --> 01:14:00,544
He was beginning to get
on my nerves.

1369
01:14:04,222 --> 01:14:06,115
You ever tried that one on Mom?

1370
01:14:06,224 --> 01:14:07,855
No.

1371
01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:11,424
How about that?

1372
01:14:12,535 --> 01:14:14,166
No.

1373
01:14:15,973 --> 01:14:18,997
You've been married 18 years,
you haven't tried that?

1374
01:14:20,325 --> 01:14:22,471
Uh, that area's
a big mystery to me.

1375
01:14:22,501 --> 01:14:24,916
I've, I've never been
able to figure it out.

1376
01:14:25,112 --> 01:14:27,223
No wonder she's so mad at you.

1377
01:14:28,333 --> 01:14:30,400
Do you really think
she wants that?

1378
01:14:31,989 --> 01:14:33,134
Of course, she does.

1379
01:14:33,164 --> 01:14:35,013
You read what the book says.

1380
01:14:44,654 --> 01:14:45,937
Thanks, Peter.

1381
01:15:54,071 --> 01:15:56,086
Jesus Christ!

1382
01:15:56,116 --> 01:15:59,402
Now even my dad was getting
more action than I was.

1383
01:16:34,415 --> 01:16:36,047
Hey-ho, Peter.

1384
01:16:40,378 --> 01:16:43,837
-What's this?
-This is breakfast.

1385
01:16:47,733 --> 01:16:49,183
But I thought that...

1386
01:16:49,213 --> 01:16:52,142
Look, I was all wrong
about all this.

1387
01:16:52,172 --> 01:16:54,188
I'm... I'm very sorry.

1388
01:16:54,218 --> 01:16:57,147
Oh, and, uh, here's
a copy of the house key.

1389
01:16:57,177 --> 01:17:00,158
You can come back inside
anytime you want.

1390
01:17:06,709 --> 01:17:08,035
Thanks.

1391
01:17:08,798 --> 01:17:10,342
And, son...

1392
01:17:12,715 --> 01:17:14,259
I love you.

1393
01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:19,866
You know the sad man
across the street?

1394
01:17:19,896 --> 01:17:21,607
You know, the one
who pushes his wife around

1395
01:17:21,637 --> 01:17:23,181
in the wheelchair all the time?

1396
01:17:23,421 --> 01:17:27,142
Well, I don't see her
around there anymore,

1397
01:17:27,425 --> 01:17:29,796
like she's, she's gone.

1398
01:17:30,167 --> 01:17:31,878
And I've been watching
them all summer

1399
01:17:31,908 --> 01:17:33,314
and secretly,
he's been taking things

1400
01:17:33,344 --> 01:17:35,577
in and out of the house.

1401
01:17:35,607 --> 01:17:38,449
Wait, so you think
he killed his wife?

1402
01:17:38,479 --> 01:17:39,980
Yeah.

1403
01:17:40,177 --> 01:17:41,547
That's bull.

1404
01:17:42,353 --> 01:17:44,942
-I don't believe that.
-Yeah?

1405
01:17:45,008 --> 01:17:46,980
Well, why don't you
go over there

1406
01:17:47,010 --> 01:17:48,641
and check it out?

1407
01:17:48,838 --> 01:17:50,200
'Cause I got better things to do

1408
01:17:50,230 --> 01:17:52,167
than prowl around
some guy's backyard.

1409
01:17:52,972 --> 01:17:54,161
I dare you to go.

1410
01:17:54,191 --> 01:17:55,945
Oh, I'm not going over there.

1411
01:17:55,975 --> 01:17:57,730
I almost got caught last time.

1412
01:17:57,760 --> 01:17:59,478
I dare you both.

1413
01:18:01,241 --> 01:18:02,873
Look, we'll all go.

1414
01:18:04,897 --> 01:18:06,739
So, we crossed the street

1415
01:18:06,769 --> 01:18:09,401
to find out what happened
to the man's wife.

1416
01:18:09,641 --> 01:18:12,796
Making sure we didn't get
run over by Mr. Mays.

1417
01:18:14,733 --> 01:18:16,444
- It's locked.
Come on.
- Erica, wait.

1418
01:18:16,474 --> 01:18:18,671
All right, all right.

1419
01:18:21,827 --> 01:18:24,938
-No, don't open the door, don't.
-It's unlocked.

1420
01:18:26,484 --> 01:18:28,115
Go...

1421
01:18:30,531 --> 01:18:32,468
I knew you'd come back.

1422
01:18:32,969 --> 01:18:35,688
You want to see what's inside?

1423
01:18:35,754 --> 01:18:38,125
Want to see what I've done?

1424
01:18:39,192 --> 01:18:41,607
I'll show you what I've done.

1425
01:18:48,462 --> 01:18:51,617
-No, no, no! No, no.
-No! No! No!

1426
01:18:57,384 --> 01:18:59,443
-Please, no...
-You've been waiting
all summer long.

1427
01:18:59,473 --> 01:19:01,358
- Relax, relax.
- No, we haven't.

1428
01:19:01,388 --> 01:19:03,012
No. Let us go.

1429
01:19:03,042 --> 01:19:04,579
Come on, we didn't do anything!

1430
01:19:04,609 --> 01:19:07,111
Get in the swimming pool.

1431
01:19:17,013 --> 01:19:20,559
This... this is what I've done.

1432
01:19:20,625 --> 01:19:22,597
You built a swimming pool
in your living room?

1433
01:19:22,627 --> 01:19:25,434
No, not just a swimming pool.

1434
01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:30,953
I built paradise.

1435
01:19:30,983 --> 01:19:35,357
A tropical... paradise.

1436
01:19:37,294 --> 01:19:38,795
Honey...

1437
01:19:40,123 --> 01:19:42,312
What's going on?

1438
01:19:42,342 --> 01:19:43,444
Nothing, my dear.

1439
01:19:43,474 --> 01:19:45,541
Just some guests.

1440
01:19:47,217 --> 01:19:49,022
My wife and I...

1441
01:19:50,742 --> 01:19:53,019
...wanted to go back to Tahiti

1442
01:19:53,049 --> 01:19:55,333
for our second honeymoon.

1443
01:19:56,966 --> 01:19:58,380
But then...

1444
01:19:59,272 --> 01:20:01,296
...she got so sick...

1445
01:20:02,928 --> 01:20:06,562
...she really loves the water,
you see?

1446
01:20:07,846 --> 01:20:11,167
I wanted to build a pool
in our backyard,

1447
01:20:11,197 --> 01:20:16,528
but the city wouldn't give me
the permit in time.

1448
01:20:17,813 --> 01:20:19,575
So...

1449
01:20:19,727 --> 01:20:24,362
I built it here, secret.

1450
01:20:25,908 --> 01:20:27,583
For her...

1451
01:20:29,215 --> 01:20:31,282
So that my love and I...

1452
01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:35,112
...can go back to paradise.

1453
01:20:39,747 --> 01:20:42,249
You won't tell anyone, will you?

1454
01:20:45,057 --> 01:20:48,255
"Where the apple reddens,
never pry

1455
01:20:48,844 --> 01:20:52,085
lest we lose our Edens,
Eve and I."

1456
01:21:06,949 --> 01:21:08,450
Hi.

1457
01:21:09,386 --> 01:21:10,800
Hi.

1458
01:21:11,867 --> 01:21:15,500
So, listen, um...
I'm leaving tomorrow.

1459
01:21:17,307 --> 01:21:18,938
Where you going?

1460
01:21:19,918 --> 01:21:21,542
You're not going to believe this

1461
01:21:21,572 --> 01:21:25,031
but, uh, I decided
I'm going to go to college.

1462
01:21:26,490 --> 01:21:27,896
Right.

1463
01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:29,463
Good.

1464
01:21:29,493 --> 01:21:31,465
Erica's leaving
for college, too.

1465
01:21:31,495 --> 01:21:33,083
Uh-huh.

1466
01:21:34,367 --> 01:21:35,912
Where is she?

1467
01:21:36,239 --> 01:21:37,609
She's with Nick.

1468
01:21:37,762 --> 01:21:39,132
He broke his leg.

1469
01:21:39,416 --> 01:21:41,562
-Too bad.
-Yeah.

1470
01:21:41,592 --> 01:21:43,216
Lost his football scholarship.

1471
01:21:43,246 --> 01:21:45,574
Mm, like I said, too bad.

1472
01:21:50,731 --> 01:21:53,930
So, um, I guess
I won't be seeing you around.

1473
01:21:55,432 --> 01:21:58,804
No, um... I guess not.

1474
01:22:02,700 --> 01:22:04,331
Peter, listen...

1475
01:22:05,833 --> 01:22:08,074
...I, I was kind of hoping that

1476
01:22:08,401 --> 01:22:10,860
we could spend
my last day here together.

1477
01:22:11,448 --> 01:22:12,898
Elliot's having this party

1478
01:22:12,928 --> 01:22:14,733
and I thought, you know,
maybe we could go.

1479
01:22:16,540 --> 01:22:18,215
Sounds good...

1480
01:22:19,021 --> 01:22:21,645
...but what if Erica,

1481
01:22:21,675 --> 01:22:23,916
-you know...?
-Yeah. Erica.

1482
01:22:24,417 --> 01:22:27,703
Well, I'll, um, I'll see you.

1483
01:22:33,035 --> 01:22:34,666
Screw Erica.

1484
01:22:37,561 --> 01:22:38,975
What?

1485
01:22:39,171 --> 01:22:40,498
I said

1486
01:22:40,607 --> 01:22:42,457
screw Erica.

1487
01:22:43,871 --> 01:22:47,845
I mean, if she's not willing
to give me a chance by now
then she's nuts.

1488
01:22:47,875 --> 01:22:51,335
No other man would go
through what I did for her.

1489
01:22:52,358 --> 01:22:55,165
If that love isn't good
enough for her, well, so be it.

1490
01:22:55,840 --> 01:22:58,856
I mean, there are plenty
of other beautiful

1491
01:22:58,886 --> 01:23:01,258
mature women that want me.

1492
01:23:02,499 --> 01:23:06,350
I even passed up a night
with Ms. Lewis for Erica.

1493
01:23:06,894 --> 01:23:09,432
You passed up
"melon breasts" Lewis?

1494
01:23:09,462 --> 01:23:13,052
If she doesn't love me by now,
then I don't love her.

1495
01:23:13,379 --> 01:23:14,916
Besides, she even thinks
Roger Moore

1496
01:23:14,946 --> 01:23:16,439
is the best James Bond.

1497
01:23:16,469 --> 01:23:18,188
Huh?

1498
01:23:19,820 --> 01:23:21,278
Come on, let's go.

1499
01:23:21,431 --> 01:23:22,758
All right.

1500
01:23:24,608 --> 01:23:27,189
So, listen,
did I, uh, tell you

1501
01:23:27,219 --> 01:23:29,670
I revised my theory
on self-sufficiency?

1502
01:23:29,700 --> 01:23:32,507
I'm against it now.
It's a little lonely.

1503
01:23:36,446 --> 01:23:40,253
Peter?
Peter, I need to talk to you.

1504
01:23:40,798 --> 01:23:42,517
Peter?

1505
01:23:49,067 --> 01:23:50,612
Peter?

1506
01:24:12,351 --> 01:24:13,540
Hi, Peter.

1507
01:24:13,570 --> 01:24:15,027
Hi, Ms. Lewis.

1508
01:24:15,441 --> 01:24:17,421
What have you boys been up to?

1509
01:24:18,966 --> 01:24:20,337
Well,

1510
01:24:20,403 --> 01:24:21,852
we just got back from a party.

1511
01:24:21,882 --> 01:24:23,593
Now everybody's
going off for college

1512
01:24:23,623 --> 01:24:26,996
so it was the last hurrah.

1513
01:24:27,279 --> 01:24:29,041
Oh. Sounds like fun.

1514
01:24:29,629 --> 01:24:32,915
Would you boys like to come in
for a cup of

1515
01:24:32,980 --> 01:24:34,699
hot cocoa?

1516
01:24:37,681 --> 01:24:39,748
Uh... No, thanks.

1517
01:24:42,947 --> 01:24:44,753
This is my friend, Matt.

1518
01:24:44,949 --> 01:24:46,929
Ah-ah.

1519
01:24:47,038 --> 01:24:48,495
Hi!

1520
01:24:48,822 --> 01:24:50,236
Hi.

1521
01:24:51,912 --> 01:24:53,971
I would, uh,

1522
01:24:54,001 --> 01:24:56,112
love a cup of cocoa.

1523
01:24:56,743 --> 01:25:00,848
♪ ...but I can't get you
out of my heart ♪

1524
01:25:00,878 --> 01:25:02,763
♪ Come on in ♪

1525
01:25:02,793 --> 01:25:05,896
♪ When the birds sing
all about you ♪

1526
01:25:05,926 --> 01:25:07,724
♪ The saddest harmony ♪

1527
01:25:07,754 --> 01:25:10,423
♪ Is always to part... ♪

1528
01:25:10,453 --> 01:25:11,598
Ah-ah.

1529
01:25:11,628 --> 01:25:13,904
♪ ...with you ♪

1530
01:25:13,934 --> 01:25:17,299
♪ You change everything
that's blue... ♪

1531
01:25:17,329 --> 01:25:18,213
It works.

1532
01:25:18,243 --> 01:25:19,736
It actually works!

1533
01:25:19,766 --> 01:25:20,868
Ah-ah!

1534
01:25:20,898 --> 01:25:22,617
It works!

1535
01:25:48,708 --> 01:25:50,427
Erica?

1536
01:25:53,974 --> 01:25:55,388
Peter.

1537
01:26:08,293 --> 01:26:09,881
I missed you.

1538
01:28:04,366 --> 01:28:05,946
So, that's my story.

1539
01:28:05,976 --> 01:28:07,469
It's all true

1540
01:28:07,499 --> 01:28:09,776
give or take
a few minor details.

1541
01:28:09,806 --> 01:28:11,908
My grandfather was right.

1542
01:28:11,938 --> 01:28:13,736
I now know in my heart of hearts

1543
01:28:13,766 --> 01:28:15,912
that people
are supposed to make love.

1544
01:28:15,942 --> 01:28:18,001
It is our main purpose in life.

1545
01:28:18,031 --> 01:28:19,568
All those other activities,

1546
01:28:19,598 --> 01:28:21,744
playing the violin,
washing dishes

1547
01:28:21,774 --> 01:28:24,051
reading novels, drinking wine,

1548
01:28:24,081 --> 01:28:28,585
are just ways of passing time
until you can make love again.

1549
01:29:40,287 --> 01:29:42,129
♪ They laugh at me aloud ♪

1550
01:29:42,159 --> 01:29:43,696
♪ They say I'm just a clown ♪

1551
01:29:43,726 --> 01:29:45,262
♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪

1552
01:29:45,292 --> 01:29:47,011
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1553
01:29:47,817 --> 01:29:49,266
♪ The girls look really cute ♪

1554
01:29:49,296 --> 01:29:50,746
♪ They really make it work ♪

1555
01:29:50,776 --> 01:29:52,313
♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪

1556
01:29:52,343 --> 01:29:54,497
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1557
01:29:54,998 --> 01:29:56,273
♪ I never could sit still ♪

1558
01:29:56,303 --> 01:29:57,797
♪ I never was too hip ♪

1559
01:29:57,827 --> 01:29:59,712
♪ I never caught the ride ♪

1560
01:29:59,742 --> 01:30:02,584
♪ I'm on the outside
I'm on the outside ♪

1561
01:30:02,614 --> 01:30:05,108
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

1562
01:30:05,138 --> 01:30:08,206
♪ This is where it all begins ♪

1563
01:30:09,404 --> 01:30:11,027
♪ Right here ♪

1564
01:30:11,057 --> 01:30:13,820
♪ On the outside looking in ♪

1565
01:30:14,539 --> 01:30:16,911
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1566
01:30:20,197 --> 01:30:21,995
♪ I never was a punk ♪

1567
01:30:22,025 --> 01:30:24,563
♪ I never shot junk
I never even tried ♪

1568
01:30:24,593 --> 01:30:26,434
♪ Counter culture
passed me right by ♪

1569
01:30:26,464 --> 01:30:27,696
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1570
01:30:27,726 --> 01:30:29,002
♪ Don't talk to debutantes ♪

1571
01:30:29,032 --> 01:30:30,438
♪ Don't eat in restaurants ♪

1572
01:30:30,468 --> 01:30:32,353
♪ The patrons sit and stare ♪

1573
01:30:32,383 --> 01:30:34,580
♪ The waiters make
wisecracks behind my back ♪

1574
01:30:34,951 --> 01:30:37,793
♪ The teachers there in school
They flunked me by the rule ♪

1575
01:30:37,823 --> 01:30:40,622
♪ They say I had no motivation
brains or dedication ♪

1576
01:30:40,652 --> 01:30:42,494
♪ I guess
the imbeciles were right ♪

1577
01:30:42,524 --> 01:30:43,625
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1578
01:30:43,655 --> 01:30:45,322
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1579
01:30:45,352 --> 01:30:47,716
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

1580
01:30:47,746 --> 01:30:50,683
♪ This is where it all begins ♪

1581
01:30:50,880 --> 01:30:53,512
♪ On the outside looking in ♪

1582
01:30:54,057 --> 01:30:55,289
♪ Looking in ♪

1583
01:30:55,319 --> 01:30:57,030
♪ At you ♪

1584
01:30:57,060 --> 01:30:59,692
♪ Just an alien
through and through ♪

1585
01:31:00,063 --> 01:31:03,036
♪ Tryin' to make believe
I'm you ♪

1586
01:31:03,066 --> 01:31:05,386
♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

1587
01:31:05,416 --> 01:31:10,094
♪ Just a stranger
on the outside looking in ♪

1588
01:31:35,054 --> 01:31:36,330
♪ Disco makes me sick ♪

1589
01:31:36,360 --> 01:31:37,723
♪ I wear the wrong clothes ♪

1590
01:31:37,753 --> 01:31:39,725
♪ I say the wrong things ♪

1591
01:31:39,755 --> 01:31:41,248
♪ You know I can't dance
my feet are much too wide ♪

1592
01:31:41,278 --> 01:31:42,467
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1593
01:31:42,497 --> 01:31:44,120
♪ You think you set the trends ♪

1594
01:31:44,150 --> 01:31:45,818
♪ You wear your hair
just right ♪

1595
01:31:45,848 --> 01:31:47,472
♪ Your clothes are
out of sight ♪

1596
01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:49,430
♪ Your house
is modern early kitsch ♪

1597
01:31:49,460 --> 01:31:51,258
♪ You get so macho
when you're with your bitch ♪

1598
01:31:51,288 --> 01:31:54,000
♪ I see them go to work
I see them go to sleep ♪

1599
01:31:54,030 --> 01:31:55,480
♪ I see them on TV ♪

1600
01:31:55,510 --> 01:31:57,090
♪ I see them laugh and cry ♪

1601
01:31:57,120 --> 01:31:58,570
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1602
01:31:58,600 --> 01:31:59,919
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1603
01:31:59,949 --> 01:32:03,017
♪ I'm on the outside... ♪

1604
01:32:04,519 --> 01:32:05,751
♪ Now ♪

1605
01:32:05,781 --> 01:32:08,841
♪ This is where it all begins ♪

1606
01:32:08,871 --> 01:32:11,721
♪ On the outside looking in ♪

1607
01:32:11,917 --> 01:32:13,367
♪ Looking in ♪

1608
01:32:13,397 --> 01:32:14,811
♪ At you ♪

1609
01:32:15,268 --> 01:32:17,727
♪ Just an alien
through and through ♪

1610
01:32:18,141 --> 01:32:21,027
♪ Tryin' to make believe
I'm you ♪

1611
01:32:21,057 --> 01:32:22,732
♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

1612
01:32:23,233 --> 01:32:29,733
♪ Just a stranger
on the outside looking in ♪

1613
01:32:31,502 --> 01:32:33,830
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1614
01:32:34,374 --> 01:32:37,138
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

1615
01:32:37,595 --> 01:32:39,749
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1616
01:32:40,555 --> 01:32:43,013
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

1617
01:32:43,645 --> 01:32:45,842
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1618
01:32:46,648 --> 01:32:49,150
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

1619
01:32:49,694 --> 01:32:51,978
♪ I'm on the outside ♪

1620
01:32:52,828 --> 01:32:55,417
♪ I'm on the outside now ♪